+ I will show up at the neighbor’s doorstep dressed as Old Gepetto, the marionette maker. I’ll have a white beard and square eyeglasses and I’ll smoke a corn cob pipe. And I’ll have one kid’s body impaled on each hand. One I will dress in a Pinocchio costume, the other one I won’t, but no one will be able to tell the difference, since it’s Halloween! Woo-hoo!
+ When the late night teens come trouncing to my door, I’ll say “Finally!” as I open it in a huff. When the kids reach into my large candy bowl and pull out the fistful of maggots that were squirming inside the Snickers bar wrappers, I will shrug and say “It’s not MY fault. I’ve been waiting for you to come all year! Now make sure you take it ALL this time….”
+ Wearing my devil’s costume, I will lurk behind clusters of kiddies at the neighbor’s door, acting as if I was their chaperone. When the homeowner shuts the door I will chase the children with my pitchfork and then later return to my initial location when the next unsupervised group arrives for candy. I will do this same routine at the same house time and again until they realize that the devil is waiting at their doorstep and they refuse to answer the door anymore.
+ The pumpkins by my door will not only be human heads spray-painted orange, they will also be clean shaven, gutted, and reshaped into Michael Jackson’s various looks over the years. I’m talking real Jacko Lanterns. And I will enjoy smashing them in the streets the following day.
+ I will dress up like a dentist and wield my portable drill as I go trick-or-treating for molars. When people open their door and see me drilling into the mouth of little Frankenstein I’ll grin at them with perfect teeth and say “Keep ’em coming, People!” and drag the struggling monsters away. The only one I might spare is the Tooth Fairy. But not if she’s not doing her job.
+ While attending the local Haunted House amusement, I will break away from my group and hide in an unsuspecting corner overnight. I won’t scare the customers; I will simply record their screams with my portable cassette deck. When the first worker comes to open shop the following day, I will be waiting behind the door, one hand pressing PLAY, the other unsheathing my survival knife. Houses can be haunted by daylight, too, dammit.
+ I have planned the very best parlor games for my Halloween party. We will go bobbing for Adam’s apples and play pin the tail on the kids sewn up in the donkey costume. And I bake the best Plumpkid Pie, too.
+ I will creep up on every video rental clerk in town, donning my Michael Meyer’s mask and machete. When they turn and seem me leering at them, they’ll jump and then I’ll ask: “Got Halloween Part 10”? If they look it up on their computers and then make a puzzled face and say “No, I don’t think that one’s out yet,” I will turn to the surveillance cameras and say, “It is now!” and lop their heads off. If they make a face at me and say “There >is< no Part 10, dude," I will nod and spare them for knowing their job. But I reserve the right to take a finger or two off, depending on how much attitude they give me.
+ When I answer the door and the kids sing "Trick or treat/smell my feet/give me something good to eat" I will obey. I will drop right down on my knees, inhaling the odor of their dirty little feet with the wanton abandon of the pump fetishist, crying "Eat me, Master…eat me!"
+ At the hospital on Halloween night, I will go door to door in the coma war dressed as the Grim Reaper. When security comes down the hall to arrest me, I will take the poisons I carry with me and fall into a coma myself. I'll have already stitched the scythe and robe right into my very own flesh, so they won't be able to remove them. I'll have burned my face back to a skeletal sneer and my hands will be stripped of all flesh. It won't be so easy to get rid of old Grim. Seeing my comatose form will give every fatally ill person hope. Hell, my trick might even save them.