Thank you for coming out tonight, to this momentous occasion. I’m here to introduce you to a breakthrough technology, one that will change the very way you live your life.
It’s called MyBlade.
And this fantastic device is literally on the cutting edge.
MyBlade is the world’s first electronic knife. You heard me right. This is no mere “electric” knife simply intended to carve your way through a tough turkey. It can do that, true, and more! But no, MyBlade is not electric. MyBlade is electronic. Inside its handle is a 3.4gHz microcomputer with 8 Gigabytes of memory and a wireless network card interfacing directly with a 16-inch stainless steel surgical-quality blade.
MyBlade will entirely change the way you slice, dice, chop and fillet.
Intrigued? Let me tell you all about it.
The “brain” of MyBlade allows any chef, camper, or craftsman to set the slicing speed at just the right level — from a slow-saw that carves so gently it massages — to a rapid cutting motion that puts conventional chainsaws to shame. I’m talking up to 30,000 slices per second, more than the naked eye can see, even up close.
MyBlade can either heat or cool the steel to a temperature you select — or it can recommend just the right level of heat for what it’s about to cut. Your cold cuts can truly be cold, if you like. Or you can you can treat yourself to a hot pot roast sandwich with only raw beef and a loaf of bread. MyBlade is the first cutting instrument to actually cook the very meat it slices, as it slices it!
And if you happen to somehow cut yourself or someone else, you won’t need to worry about dialing 911. The wound will instantly be cauterized!
But yes, even if you still want to dial 911, it can do that for you, too. Did I mention that MyBlade is wireless? And networked? Indeed, it is always online and can easily be used as a phone, a pager, a web browser, a weather station, an emergency medication alert and an IM communication center. You can throw away your cell phone. The metal blade can receive vibrations from your voice and the handle has an earpiece you can use as either a speakerphone or a private line. You simply need to hold it correctly.
It’s an amazing communication device. But MyBlade is still, ultimately, a knife. The greatest piece of cutlery ever invented. It will cut on demand or your money back.
MyBlade is entirely self-cleaning and self-oiling. MyBlade even automatically detects if its edges are dull — and it self-sharpens while it rests in its charging bay.
MyBlade has a brain that can be voice-activated. It can be remote controlled, or operated with an internet browser from your office. Prepare your dinner while you’re still at work!
Or if you like to do it yourself, you can listen to over 1000 songs while you chop, sheer…or even shave!
And that’s only a small segment of what MyBlade can do. I haven’t even mentioned it’s main breakthrough, one only made possible by the invention of something so remarkably unique as MyBlade.
Sonic slicing. And sonic slicing will revolutionize the way you literally make cuts.
The speed of MyBlade is so fast that its subsonic frequencies literally spread the molecules around it.
We could have stopped there, but we didn’t.
MyBlade also records sounds while it slices, saving unique sonic footprints that only MyBlade itself can hear. This is cutting up close — closer than its ever been before. Press the silver button on its grip, and you can save every chop, hack, and stab you make to the copious mp3 storage drive built inside its form-fitting handle.
Cut a sandwich or cut a track — the choice is yours. It is the first musical instrument of its kind, and butchers around the world have already begun composing some amazing new music. You can hear them — and join them by sharing your own cuts — online at the knife’s hone page.
Did I say hone page? I meant home page. And MyBlade logs on instantly, BladeCasting to the world.
Still not sold?
Well, let me demonstrate. Here, put these MyPhones in your ears.
Now give me your arm.
Don’t worry. MyBlade cauterizes. And trust me, MyBlade is faster than you’ll believe.
That’s right, go ahead and sing along. We’re BladeCasting live.
And it’s MyArm now.
Note: I was going to call MyBlade an iBlade, but someone beat me to it! See this AMAZING apple peeler with an attitude for yourself at this Mac-lover forum: http://www.theapplecollection.com/design/macdesign/iBlade.html