10. Playing “CSI: Dreamhouse” with your (or your sister’s) Barbie dolls.
9. Telling Mommy she’s “pretty” to her face and then adding the words “poor at parenting” as you walk out of the room.
8. Presuming that when you’re “grounded” you’re free to play with electrical outlets to your heart’s content.
7. Texting while driving your Big Wheel on the freeway.
6. Skipping biology class so you can experiment directly on animals at the pet store without supervision.
5. Actually punching Hawaiians to get your hands on their branded juice box.
4. Festooning your bedroom with ropes of snot rather than blowing your nose on the hankie you got last year for Christmas.
3. Writing your book report in thick black marker covering every page of the book you were supposed to “report on” with the words “HATE, HATE, HATE IT!”
2. Going commando when shopping for scout uniforms.
1. Sacrificing a goat instead of blowing out birthday candles.
1) Interesting. Everybody who “likes” me seems to be a latex glove fetishist.
2) I’m not pulling over, hitcher. I’m stepping on the gas. Oh no. Get out of the way!3) Who’s got your nose?
4) If this hand were bearing an unbuttoned sleeve, everything you liked would seem …dirty.
5) The universal symbol for social approval in the 21st Century is a dismembered hand. I like that. But it’s kind of overkill. Surely just a single digit would do.
6) A grammatical sin is committed by our passive acceptance of this plurality of “likes” — that is, the letter S should be employed only when the subject is singular in second or third person (eg. “x number of people likes me” is an insult to English, and perhaps also the Welch). The Hand knows this but does not care, eschewing language entirely for an international symbolic system of hieroglyphs without the possibility of negation (or “unlikes”), but rather, dumbly indicating its opposition through absence (a Lacanian “lack” of likes, not present in the oedipal calculation). But where does one find, say, the middle finger in all this homogeneous idiocy? Oh, I see. Got it. Understood.
7) Clearly this stiff arm is really the pale-blue hand of an evil clown. Why does he keep following me???
8) You don’t like me. You’re pointing “gun fingers” at me. You’re either a sniper or a used car salesman. Please go away.
9) Some would say that this uncanny symbol means “thumbs up.” But there is only one thumb on this hand…that I can see.
10) I’m told that in some cultures, the “thumb up” is actually a gesture that is a provocative sexual insult. Gee, thanks everyone.
Wikipedia history of “The Thumb Up”
You already know 2012 was pretty weird. Here’s a small sampler of annual roundups that reaffirm it…
“It was beauty that killed the beast.”
“Yeah. That and the syphillis.”
“Don’t bury me, I’m not dead yet.”
“Oh, no? Allow me…” (shovel to the neck)
(Aiming finger at the head) “Braaaiiiins…!”
(Aiming pistol at the head) “Buuuulllets…!”
“In space no one can hear you scream.”
“Oh no? Where IS Earth, anyway? That’s right. It’s floating in space, you freaking idiot. Let’s see if anyone can hear you scream when I press this hot iron into your underarm…”
“We have such sights to show you.”
“Like what? Your butterfly collection? Please, please. Let me show YOU what acupuncture really means.” (grabs head like a basketball and squeezes the pins deep)
“I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
“Beans! THAT explains the smell in here! I tht-tht-tht-tht-thought it was your breath.”
“When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.”
“There’s always the Holiday Inn next door. Competitive rates… and a cleaner pool!”
“Where? In the 1980s? Heeeere’s my palm.” (slap)
“I see dead people.”
“Yeah, yeah. They see you, too, kid. Don’t you get it? That’s your audience. They died of boredom.”
“I’m your Number One Fan.”
“Really? Because you smell like Number Two.”
“Long live the new flesh!”
“Viva your zits!”
“We all go a little mad sometimes…don’t you?”
“No, I go big mad when pervs like you peep at me in the shower.”
“Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
“Why? Becawse dare might be wabbits? Fear this, Fuddrucker.” (middle finger)
“Can I use this nail gun to accomplish that?”
“Sometimes dead is better.”
“Better than what? Your grammar skills? You go die now, and we be all better, Idiotface.”
The Vampire Squid:
“Like many deep-sea cephalopods, Vampire Squid lack ink sacs. If threatened, instead of ink, a sticky cloud of bioluminescent mucus containing innumerable orbs of blue light is ejected from the arm tips. This luminous barrage, which may last nearly 10 minutes, is presumably meant to daze would-be predators and allow the Vampire Squid to disappear into the blackness without the need to swim far.” — wikipedia entry on Vampire Squid from Hell
The Vampire Bat:
“…The furry, bean-shaped bat with its rodent-like face resembles a rat with wings, but bats are actually more closely related in evolution to dogs and horses. In fact, vampire bats in the wild will gallop and leap across the ground much in the same way that horses do.
In South America where they are common, vampire bats approach their prey on the ground, galloping quickly and quietly as they sneak up on, bite, and drink the blood from sleeping cows, goats and birds.” — “What Steers Vampires to Blood,” UCSF Research
The Vampire Finch:
“…Their most important source of food during the extended droughts is blood. The finches begin by landing on the tail of a seabird. They peck at the base of its wing feathers, breaking the skin and causing it to bleed. As the blood oozes out, the finches sip it every few seconds. Other finches line up behind the booby like a queue at a blood bank and as soon as one leaves its blood-sucking perch another takes its place.” — “Islands of the Vampire Birds”
[Read about Oxpeckers and more at The Evolution of Vampires]
The Morgantown Poets society has posted video excerpts from my Halloween season poetry reading in Morgantown, West Virginia last month. It was a goofy gory night of the bizarre, which I titled “Food, Folks and Fun with Zombies.”
I read three courses of horror: a batch of gory “food” poems from a variety of sources (including crazy twitter poems and pieces from The Goreletter e-edition), a “folksy” ghost story (from the just-released collection, Legends of the Mountain State IV — not appearing on the vid), and then I ended with a “fun” batch of zombie poems from my book, Rigormarole. The lighting is dark, the sound is hit-and-miss, but the video captures the jist of what my readings are like. It was fun to read in an art gallery to a very indulgent audience, who was enormously generous with their time, patience, and laughter.
Look for “Endless Shrimp” — delivered in the 2nd of the 3 short video clips — to appear in an upcoming issue of The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, edited by John Skipp.
I’ve added a new sub page to gorelets.com that will collect and archive all my posts to twitter.com, so you don’t have to go to their website and try to hunt for them.
What I like about this is not only will it allow me to keep a record of all those brief snippets of weirdness that I’ve posted that are hard to find in twitter’s archives, but it also lets readers like you search for things that you’d have a hard time finding on twitter itself, and it doesn’t require signing up for twitter to do so at all (though I think you should).
You can find some fun things in the Nest, by searching for keywords of your interest or filtering archives by month. (Remember: use the search box on the nest, not on twitter itself). Keyword searches are pretty cool. (Quick example: try a search for “amazon” and you’ll get a list of all the books I’ve recommended on twitter over the past two years). You can also see “pre-focused discussions” used by twitter #hashtags. If you enter a “hashtag” (basically a keyword preceded by a # sign) in the search, you can filter the list to show only one conversation or thread. You have to know what these are first, but if you spot a #hashtag mentioned in a tweet, try searching for it on my nest rather than clicking on it (which will take you to twitter itself) — and you’ll cut out a lot of noise.
Example: search for “#whohorrors”, and you can read all the twisted puns on songs by The Who I ran during last year’s superbowl party. Other fun #hashtag searches might be: #zombiehaiku, #nanowrimo, #retrospective, #bandhybrids
[With thanks to Andy Graulund for sharing the system!]
POSTSCRIPT, 5/30/12 —
I’ve now added a new subpage where you can view my tweets clustered by topic and trend. Visit http://gorelets.com/nest// to check it out!
Also note that the best of The Nest now appears in the hardcover edition of my book, The Gorelets Omnibus! Get this for your shelf before a solar flare wipes out the entire internet.
Phlegmonaid (With Extra Pulp)
I can’t explain why I did this, but in the days and moments leading up to the halftime show by The Who at Super Bowl XLIV, I kept posting twisted and sick puns of Who song titles and lyrics to my twitter account. A few weirdos joined me in the fun.
Like most puns, some of these are astoundingly bad examples of wordplay, but what the heck: here is the complete collection of Who Horrors for your amusement, my embarrassment, and, well, posterity.
Tommy, Can You Fear Me?
You Deader, You Deader, You Dead
I Can Spree For Miles and Miles
The Kids Are All Fright
I Canned His Brain. / Froze his blood. / Gonna serve to you. / When it turns blue.
Can You See the Real Meat?
Blowing Mo’ Bile
No one knows what it’s like. To be the dead man. To be the bled man. Behind Strewn Eyes.
Won’t Eat Food Again
Blood Rain on Me
Embalmee, Can You Hear Me?
Skinned the Wizard — grabbed his magic stick — Skinned the Wizard — it came off at the wrist.
I call that a Gorgon. You best not make it mad!
Goodbye Blister Disco
I want you to burn…together…with the brand.
Pictures of Chilly
LONG LIVE SHOCK. Be it Dead or Alive.
Boo! Scar You.
Eating my brain on the 5:15
Another Sticky Day
Phlegminence Front (it’s a spute-ahm!)
Thanks to all the other people who played along and posted their own, including: @BlackDogNate, @nitewanderer, @davidltamarin23, @Adam_Blomquist, @StephenWNagy, @DavidKM, and @chuntastic…you might be able to find their contributions still. And kudos to @jmridenhour for coming up with the best of them all: “Tragic Bus”!
You’re perfectly welcome to keep this sick train a rollin’ by adding more in the comments…but really, why would you?
I’ve gathered all the books I’ve reviewed in The Goreletter (since 2002) into some fun listmania lists over at amazon.com, and I’ll keep adding titles to them from the “Not Dead Yet” department into the future.
I’ve also been having way too much fun trolling around amazon for weird discoveries, and I have compiled a few other funky lists, like the Goofy Gory Gifts Galore list and other novelty lists. I’m apparently a listmaniac.
After many years of neglect, I have updated my author profile on amazon.com, where you can find more weirdness and links to many of my books and anthologies. Since amazon now features some of my stuff in their kindle store, and because I am likely to begin publishing The Goreletter for Kindle readers as well as web browsers, I have made gorelets an amazon affiliate, and I have been cleaning up their database when it comes to Arnzen titles by uploading book covers or making corrections. Your reviews and tags on amazon.com are appreciated.