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Michael Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
+++Vol. 9.3 | 6.13.2014+++
Friday the 13th, Part 43: Jason Finally Learns Hockey
Blather. Wince. Repeat.
TAXIDERMY POSES I'D LIKE TO SEE
Earless Giraffe ducking below ceiling fan blades.
Stiff electric Eel plugged into a wall outlet.
Sabre-Toothed Cat snarling in a dentist's chair.
Bear squatting in woodland diorama with placard that says THE TRUTH.
A Bald Eagle with skinned head wearing a garish toupee.
Dog humping human leg (rest of body optional).
Two headless Penguins, romantically holding flippers.
A jar full of Raven eyes resting in a bed of black feathers.
Auto-erotic Elephant trunk asphyxiation.
Twenty Shrimp interspersed with kale kabobed on a Swordfish nose.
Toothless beaver skeleton trapped inside cage of wood.
25 Years of World Horror Convention
Next May unbelievably marks the 25th Anniversary of World Horror Convention. I've been attending this gathering of horror writers, publishers, dealers and artists since it launched, and though I haven't made it to all of them, I've been to most, and it always earns a spot in the forefront of my favorite memories. I've made a lot of close friends at WHC, and — as Brian Keene noted in his impressive Grandmaster Award speech at last month's affair – http://www.briankeene.com/2014/05/14/tribe-grand-master-award-acceptance-speech/ – it's always like returning to the tribe.
WHC 2014 in Portland last month was extra special — too good to put into words, so instead I just want to wave hello to anyone I had a chance to meet and spend time with, especially those who I've known since that photo above was shot or longer, and perhaps hadn't seen for almost as long. You know who you are. And though I know you're not vampires, I have to tell you: uncannily, you haven't changed a bit.
I think next year's WHC conference will be a pretty amazing celebration. They are already building up an amazing list of guests, including John Farris, Lisa Tuttle, Jonathan Maberry, Tom Piccirilli, Kami Garcia, Chris Ryall, Jeff Strand and Christopher Golden, with more to come. Other highlights include the Bram Stoker Awards Banquet, a mass signing by hundreds of authors, panels galore, an Art Show, book dealers out the wazoo and special events to celebrate the 25th Anniversary.
Barring any unforeseen conflicts with my teaching schedule, I am very likely to attend, too. You can buy your tickets at early bird prices of $125 at http://www.whc2015.org
Crazy Coffins - http://www.crazycoffins.co.uk/
Ghana Coffin - http://ghanacoffin.com/
Willies Cadillac Coffin - http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=2194&dat=19840312&id=i9EyAAAAIBAJ&sjid=Ue8FAAAAIBAJ&pg=1264,262577
Seton Hill University (http://inyourwritemind.setonhill.edu/)
“In Your Write Mind” Booksigning
June 27, 2014 | Greensburg, PA
Confluence / DogCon3 (http://www.confluence-sff.org/)
July 25-27, 2014 | Pittsburgh, PA
Rickert & Beagle Books (http://gorelets.com/upcoming-arnzen-appearances/)
Aug 2nd, 2014 @ 2pm | Pittsburgh, PA
FUZZY BUNNIES II
I grasp the spine
between my toes
to keep the flattened slabs
of fur from slipping free —
and they clap and whap
against my happy feet —
but it's really their wet
and slappy, sloppy ears
that make them my favorite
“The Hellish Parrot Larvae” and Other Flash Fictions
I've been on a flash fiction kick lately, writing crazy things like “The Hellish Parrot Larvae,” inspired by online literary toys like The Brainstormer – http://www.tapnik.com/brainstormer/
“Flash” means these are lightning-quick reads — short-short stories (usually under 1,000 words) — something you could probably finish reading at a stop light. I'm actually teaching a summer class on the format, which means I'm reading tons of it, and I can't help but write along with the students. So I've been freely posting everything from drabbles to twabbles (and various babbles) in different online venues, and will likely continue to sharing these throughout the summer, at least. You can usually spot links to them on the front page of gorelets.com shortly after they're posted, but here are a few shortcuts that might help you discover some of these little nuggets of abnormality, if you're in the mood for a VERY quick read:
* Arnzen on Drablr: http://drablr.com/arnzen
* Arnzen on Tapestry: https://readtapestry.com/u/MikeArnzen/
* Arnzen's Twitter Fiction & Poetry: http://gorelets.com/nest/favorites
And if you're a fan of flash, be sure to check out 100 Jolts: Shockingly Short Stories, still available in paperback or expanded hardcover from Raw Dog Screaming Press — or pick up the ebook for your kindle cheap at amazon.com.
“Arnzen possesses a gruesome imagination and a brilliant ability to bring his ideas to life in a few short words. The words are like a short staccato of machine gun fire, horror stripped of everything but the essentials…Each of the tales [in 100 Jolts] is a mini-story told with more flair and style than most novels.” -Verbicide
and Other Arnzen News
I'm pleased to appear alongside a number of writers I admire in a new book book of “career advice from seasoned professionals” in the horror writing field, called Horror 101: The Way Forward. While initially the title was planned to only be available in ebook format, demand was high enough that the publisher, Crystal Lake Publishing has now also released a paperback version. The title is getting rave reviews from writers and readers alike. Stewart Horn, in his review for the British Fantasy Society, writes, “There are many books of this type already available: writing manuals or author biographies with tips along the way. But this is the most useful and the most entertaining I’ve read. It should be required reading for all of us.” http://www.crystallakepub.com/horror-101.php
Last issue, I announced that Drawn to Marvel: Poems Inspired by the Comic Books was released from Minor Arcana Press. It's a thick paperback, brimming with work by numerous luminary poets. You can now order the paperback from Amazon.com in addition to directly ordering from this fine publisher at http://www.minorarcanapress.com Minor Arcana is also developing a new series called Monster Fancy that promises to be an eclectic gathering of weirdness that I'm really looking forward to.
For new publications, keep your eyes on: http://gorelets.com/books/
twisted prompts for sicko writers
13 CANNIBAL CONFLICTS
1. Give your cannibal character a dietary restriction.
2. Have your cannibal review a restaurant critic as they dine on him.
3. Put your cannibal on a fat farm.
4. Play referee in a new sporting event: Cannibal vs. Cannibal!
5. Depict the chores of the dishwasher in the back of the cannibal cafe.
6. Your cannibal has lost his teeth. What now?
7. Write The Constitution for the country of Cannibali.
8. Convert your cannibal to a new religion.
9. Poison your cannibal in an inventive way.
10. Describe the day job of your cannibal without ever referencing his or her insatiable appetite.
11. Invent a TV show for the Human Food Network.
12. Choke the cannibal.
13. Enough with cannibals. Invent a “cantibal.”
Happy Friday the 13th! If you like writing prompts as wacky as these, Instigation: Creative Prompts on the Dark Side has over 500 more! http://gorelets.com/books/mastication-publications/instigation/
Lots of new “Fridge of the Damned” poems have been posted in my flickr gallery since last issue, capturing weird thoughts by people visiting my signing tables at a number of conventions, in addition to the usual snapshots people have sent in. I have a number of these horror poem magnetic kits left after traveling around over the past year, but some have unfortunately developed dings and dents in the fancy tins. But the magnets are still new!
Want one of the dented tin kits? Just four bucks plus $1.50 postage in the US (total = $5.50) or plus $5.00 postage International (total = $9.50) until supplies run out. I'll toss a few Instigation postcards in the package, too. Remember: the tins are DENTED, but the magnets are new!. Paypal only (http://paypal.com) to firstname.lastname@example.org with your mailing address.
If you want a pristine kit, by all means, order before they run out directly from Raw Dog Screaming Press at: http://rawdogscreaming.com/books/the-fridge-of-the-damned-poetry-magnet-kit/
If you liked 100 Jolts …
You'll like 100 Nightmares by KZ Morano
If you liked The Gorelets Omnibus …
You'll like Scary, No Scary by Zachary Schomburg
If you liked Licker …
You'll like Pus Junkies by Shane McKenzie
If you liked Proverbs for Monsters …
You'll like The Midnight Channel by Evan J. Peterson
If you liked Many Genres, One Craft …
You'll like Shooting Yourself in the Head for Fun and Profit
by Lucy A. Snyder
& if you liked Instigation …
You'll love Diabolique Strategies!
“When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box.” — Italian Proverb
Find me on your favorite social network via michaelarnzen.com
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© Copyright 2014, Michael A. Arnzen - All rights reserved
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