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Arnzen's Weird Newsletter

+++Vol 8.2 | 11.17.2013+++

Telephone Etiquette


Telephone Etiquette

When you reach a wrong number, don't ask “What number is this?” Instead cry “The die has been cast!” and hang up politely.

If you need to put your interlocutor on hold, politely tell them so first, before pressing the mute button and rushing to their house to choke them like a wrestler.

Never let children answer the phone. Unless they think the handset is a lollipop.

When dialing, wait for the receiver to pickup for at least six hundred and sixty-six rings. Anything more or less could have grave consequences.

When solicitors call – no matter what their gender, nationality, sales product or time zone – do not hang up. Kindly indulge their queries with the lecherous speech you reserve for prostitutes.

Don't eat while on the telephone. Unless you're calling for takeout. If that's the case, munch away, and sharpen your machete or pump your shotgun so they can clearly hear your preparations.

Don't sneeze, blow your nose, or cough directly into the receiver. Cover the handset and turn your head away and infect a nearby person directly with as much sputum as you can muster.

Don't talk with someone else in the room while speaking on the phone. Especially if they're haunting you. Nor should you talk to yourself. There is time to deal with all of them later. First things first.

November NaNoWriMo Special

In celebration of National Novel Writing Month, I've been offering Instigation: Creative Prompts on the Dark Side at 1/2 price at the Mastication Publications website. This ebook is available for all reading devices (including .pdf) and features 500 “prompts” and includes special help and articles for all you binge writers madly typing away on a novel in the month of November. Offer ends Dec 1st at Midnight, so act quick: Get your copy now for just $1.99!

Meet Mike Arnzen

Headline Books’ Holiday Author Signing
Dec 1st, 2013, Noon-4pm | Barnes and Noble, Morgantown, WV

Join Arnzen and a cavalcade of authors from Headline Books — publisher of the acclaimed how-to guide for writers of popular fiction, Many Genres, One Craft (edited by Michael Arnzen and Heidi Ruby Miller) — when we take over the Barnes and Noble bookstore in Morgantown, West Virginia, for the afternoon of December 1st. This is a great opportunity to get signed copies just in time for the holidays. Many Genres, One Craft contributors on hand will include: Heidi Ruby Miller, Timons Esaias, Jason Jack Miller, K. Ceres Wright alongside many other authors from the Headline Books roster. [Barnes and Noble Bookstore, 3000 University Towne Centre Dr.,Morgantown, WV 26501, ph: 304-599-1294].

Arnzen News

+++Get Horror Library Vol. 5

HORROR LIBRARY Vol. V (Cutting Block Press, Nov. 2013) is the latest entry in one of the best continuing anthologies of original horror stories around. My contribution, “Pillars of Light,” is probably the most brutally dark zombie story I've ever written. Other authors appearing in this volume include: Bentley Little, Ray Garton, Jeff Strand, Benjamin Kane Ethridge, Shane McKenzie, Kevin Lucia, Steve Vernon, John F.D. Taff, Eric J. Guignard, Lorne Dixon, and many others you might recognize – 30 in all.

++++Complete Your Collection

Have you seen all my books?

Please browse the book catalog on my website – each entry includes free excerpts, reviews, audio, photos, videos and links to places you can buy them – whether in print or ebook format. I've been publishing since 1989, so some titles are out of print – while others have been recently re-released in e-book, too. If there's something special you're trying to hunt down, inquire via email and I'll see if I can help.

++++Unloving Your Demon

Watch me recite “Unloving Your Demon,” in this video shot during my guest appearance at the NVCC-Manassas campus this Halloween. The video has captions so you can read along, or you can just read the original poem itself on my website ( .

++++The Fridge of the Damned

The Fridge of the Damned is a unique horror poetry magnet set, brimming with words lifted from Arnzen's poems in The Gorelets Omnibus. In early 2013, Raw Dog Screaming Press, and Arnzen joined forces with fans on Kickstarter to bring this project to life… and these kits are still available from Raw Dog Screaming Press for just $12. Nab yours and join people everywhere who are sharing photos of their twisted fun with these macabre magnets!


“You love fear. The ending of fear is death, and you don't want that to happen. I am not talking of wiping out the phobias of the body. They are necessary for survival. The death of fear is the only death.” – U.G. Krishnamurti (died 2007)


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© Copyright 2013, Michael A. Arnzen - All rights reserved

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goreletter/telephone_etiquette.txt · Last modified: 2013/11/29 12:13 by marnzen

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