goreletter:avian_phlegm
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+ | THE GORELETTER: | ||
+ | Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++ Vol. 3.05, Nov 27, 2005 +++ | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Avian Phlegm** | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BLATHER==== | ||
+ | Blather. Wince. Repeat. | ||
+ | |||
+ | What Bird Flu is Not | ||
+ | |||
+ | + The Bird Flu is not the past tense of "The bird flies." | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Avian Influenza is not to be confused with Evian Influenza. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + People who contract Bird Flu will not necessarily grow wings and fly to heaven. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Big Bird Flu is not communicable to humans who aren't wearing the dorky costume. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Bird Flu rhymes with Absurd Goo, but it's not entirely that either. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + You cannot transmit Avian Influenza by " | ||
+ | |||
+ | + You will not know why the caged Bird Flu sings. Wheezes, maybe. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + The Bird did not Flu the Croup. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Bird Flu is no longer what you call the feathered carcass you discover clogging up your chimney. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Chicken Pox is not Bird Flu; it's much itchier. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Do not attempt to cure Bird Flu with Chicken Soup, or you're doomed. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + God's punishment for cockfighting is not bird flu, but an impoverished social life. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Cat Scratch Fever is not guaranteed to prevent Bird Flu. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Bird Flu is not a terrorist attack on the South during the winter. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Bird Flu is not congenitally transmitted during infant delivery by stork. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + No one in America died this November from Bird Flu. The recent mass decapitation of turkeys seems to have saved us. For now. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Related Link: The Daily Show: Rob Corddry' | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | [The game is really just a joke by the new humorists at awesomefunny.com. But I think it's actually quite profound.] | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====GORELETS: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Air Sac O' | ||
+ | |||
+ | the illumination of the lung\\ | ||
+ | will bloom in blotches of bronchial\\ | ||
+ | rot curdling a purple and black\\ | ||
+ | kaleidoscope of cancer\\ | ||
+ | that might even pop and wheeze\\ | ||
+ | and make a funny face with its holes\\ | ||
+ | as the candle flame voraciously\\ | ||
+ | decays, eating through,\\ | ||
+ | eating air\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Xmas Gifts for Creepy Kids | ||
+ | |||
+ | A Sweater\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Gift Soap\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | A Dolly\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | A Ball\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | A Game\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Outsider Looking In | ||
+ | |||
+ | Outsiders, edited by Nancy Holder and Nancy Kilpatrick (Roc Books, 2005), is one of the best anthologies of short fiction to come out of the genre in some time. In fact, I would go so far as to call it pioneering, because it redraws the boundaries of the horror genre in a very successful way, in addition to being packed with excellent scary stories. It doesn' | ||
+ | |||
+ | I'm not suggesting that this book is only so much traditional horror fiction repackaged to placate perceived trends in the market. It's actually very contemporary and boundary-blurring. But there is a way in which the horror genre is the unnameable creature lurking beneath it all. Not outside, but in. And I like that. It's subversive. I think it's kind of neat that this book is virtually a horror compilation camouflaged as a collection of " | ||
+ | |||
+ | And maybe horror fiction ought to have been called " | ||
+ | |||
+ | What was great about horror in its heyday was that it could take this status of " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Take David J. Schow' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Also excellent is Steve Rasnic Tem's opening story, "The Company You Keep" (which is as surrealist in its method as a painting by Magritte) about a " | ||
+ | |||
+ | And there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Also worth acclaim: half of the contributors to Outsiders are women and the book is edited by two women. That's remarkable, I think. And perhaps even a retroactively ironic statement on what the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Outsiders is a $14.95 trade paperback available from Roc Books. A must read. (So is H.G. Wells' story, which you can find in a book that would make a good compliment to this one, Fantastic Tales: Visionary and Everyday, edited by Italo Calvino). < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====INSTIGATION: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Depict an allergy gone haywire. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Pen the monologue of a nostalgic vampire. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Script a dialogue between the Devil and his publicist. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Instigation is a WEEKLY department in Hellnotes newsletter...who also now publishes a new online magazine based on selected prompts called Wee Small Hours! (Note that the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Hellnotes: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ARNZEN NEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | + EXQUISITE CORPSE: FILM IN PRODUCTION | ||
+ | I'm happy to announce that Jim Minton Design Studio is coordinating " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Jim Minton Design: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Production Sketch from "The Scab": < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Lucas Tripodi' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + PLAY DEAD BOOK TOUR WINDS DOWN\\ | ||
+ | One of the reasons you haven' | ||
+ | Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Laurel Mountain Post, "Seton Hill Professor Scares Up Some Laughs" | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Order or Review Play Dead at Amazon.com: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + ARNZEN PANEL AT ICFA\\ | ||
+ | There will be a session entitled " | ||
+ | |||
+ | + GRIM GRIMOIRE UPDATE\\ | ||
+ | One of the highlights at World Fantasy Convention was getting to play with the custom deck of playing cards that will be included with the special sculpture-bound limited edition (a.k.a. "Grim Grimoire" | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Flying Creature Feature | ||
+ | |||
+ | For your next movie night, rent: \\ | ||
+ | The Birds (1963)\\ | ||
+ | Q (1982)\\ | ||
+ | El Ataque de los pájaros (a.k.a. " | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BOO COUPONS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | It actually pays to scroll this far down. | ||
+ | |||
+ | THE ARNZEN SURPLUS STORE\\ | ||
+ | I bought a lot of my own books to sell at my various signings last month...but I went overboard and still have copies left over. Want to help me clear some shelf space and maybe even get a bargain in the process? Here's a price list of some specials I can offer you (all prices include media mail postage paid; all books will be signed). This offer is good only while supplies last, so please write me at arnzen@gorelets.com to make sure I still have copies in stock, before remitting payment. I prefer cash via PayPal or, alternatively, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Price List: \\ | ||
+ | [Poetry book titles available: Freakcidents, | ||
+ | |||
+ | 100 Jolts: $11\\ | ||
+ | 100 Jolts + One Poetry Book: $17\\ | ||
+ | Play Dead: $20\\ | ||
+ | Three Poetry Books: $20\\ | ||
+ | Play Dead + One Poetry Book: $26\\ | ||
+ | Play Dead + 100 Jolts: $30\\ | ||
+ | Play Dead + 100 Jolts + Three Poetry Books: $50\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | THE SHOCKLINES XMAS SPECIAL\\ | ||
+ | Buy one horror poetry book, get one free! This is a great way to pick up a copy of my books, Rigormarole or Freakcidents or Writhing in Darkness. There' | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | RIGORMAROLE\\ | ||
+ | Order a copy of Rigormarole: | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | GET FICTIONWISE\\ | ||
+ | Fictionwise.com -- the web's best sci-fi and horror e-book seller -- maintains a special 15% off page for Goreletter subscribers, | ||
+ | |||
+ | HELLNOTES OFFER\\ | ||
+ | Writers: Don't forget that you can get a free 2-month "Taste of HELLNOTES" | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====COLOPHON==== | ||
+ | All material in The Goreletter is © 2005 Michael A. Arnzen, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to forward the entire contents as a whole, without alterations or excisions. Direct links to articles in the archives or the weblog are permitted and encouraged. For reprint permissions of individual pieces, please contact arnzen@gorelets.com. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Winner of the 2003 Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in Alternative Forms from the Horror Writers Association: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Subscribe, unsubscribe, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Read The Goreletter online as a draft-in-progress, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our surrealist product endorsement: | ||
+ | |||
+ | With apologies to latitude 53,41667, longitude 27,91667. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Help spread the strange. Forward this issue to your weirdest friend! | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | ESPECIALLY IF IT'S YOUR REFLECTION | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide." | ||
+ | -- Woodrow T. Wilson (died 1924) | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | {{page> |