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--- goreletter:halloween_fantasies [2013/11/24 20:13] – [OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE] marnzen
+++ goreletter:halloween_fantasies [2013/11/29 11:36] (current) – marnzen
@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
+THE GORELETTER:
+Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
+http://www.gorelets.com
++++ Vol. 2 #2, Oct. 14, 2003 +++
+**Halloween Fantasies**
+----
+====BLATHER====
+Blather. Wince. Repeat.
+Arnzen's Halloween Fantasies
++ I will show up at the neighbor's
+doorstep dressed as Old Gepetto, the
+marionette maker. I'll have a white
+beard and square eyeglasses and I'll
+smoke a corn cob pipe. And I'll have
+one kid's body impaled on each hand.
+One I will dress in a Pinocchio
+costume, the other one I won't, but no
+one will be able to tell the difference,
+since it's Halloween! Woo-hoo!
++ When the late night teens come
+trouncing to my door, I'll say "Finally!"
+as I open it in a huff. When the kids
+reach into my large candy bowl and
+pull out the fistful of maggots that were
+squirming inside the Snickers bar
+wrappers, I will shrug and say, "It's not
+MY fault. I've been waiting for you to
+come all year! Now make sure you
+take it ALL this time...."
++ Wearing my devil's costume, I will
+lurk behind clusters of kiddies at the
+neighbor's door, acting as if I was their
+chaperone. When the homeowner
+shuts the door I will chase the children
+with my pitchfork and then later return
+to my initial location when the next
+unsupervised group arrives for candy.
+I will do this same routine at the same
+house time and again until they realize
+that the devil is waiting at their
+doorstep and they refuse to answer the
+door anymore.
++ The pumpkins by my door will not
+only be human heads spray-painted
+orange, they will also be clean shaven,
+gutted, and reshaped into Michael
+Jackson's various looks over the years.
+I'm talking real Jacko Lanterns. And I
+will enjoy smashing them in the streets
+the following day.
++ I will dress up like a dentist and
+wield my portable drill as I go trick-or-
+treating for molars. When people open
+their door and see me drilling into the
+mouth of little Frankenstein I'll grin at
+them with perfect teeth and say "Keep
+'em coming, People!" and drag the
+struggling monsters away, shouting
+"Now rinse, fat boy!" The only one I
+might spare is the Tooth Fairy, but only
+if she's doing her job.
++ While attending the local Haunted
+House amusement, I will break away
+from my group and hide in an
+unsuspecting corner overnight. I won't
+scare the customers; I will simply
+record their screams with my portable
+cassette deck. When the first worker
+comes to open shop the following day,
+I will be waiting behind the door, one
+hand pressing PLAY, the other
+unsheathing my survival knife. Houses
+can be haunted by daylight, too,
+dammit.
++ I have planned the very best parlor
+games for my Halloween party. We will
+go bobbing for Adam's apples and play
+pin the tail on the kids sewn up in the
+donkey costume. And I bake the
+//best// Plumpkid Pie!
++ I will creep up on every video rental
+clerk in town, donning my Michael
+Myers mask and machete. When they
+turn and seem me leering at them,
+they'll jump and then I'll ask, "Got
+Halloween Part 10"? If they look it up
+on their computers and then make a
+puzzled face and say "No, I don't think
+that one's out yet," I will turn to the
+surveillance cameras and say, "It is
+now!" and then lop their heads off. If
+they make a face at me and say
+"There //is// no Part 10, dude," I will
+nod and spare them for knowing their
+job. But I reserve the right to take a
+finger or two off, depending on how
+much attitude they give me.
++ When I answer the door and the
+kids sing "Trick or treat/Smell my
+feet/Give me something good to eat," I
+will obey their command. I will drop
+right down on my knees, inhaling the
+odor of their dirty little feet with the
+wanton abandon of the pump fetishist,
+crying "Eat me, Master...eat me!"
++ At the hospital on Halloween night, I
+will go door to door in the coma ward
+dressed as the Grim Reaper. When
+security comes down the hall to arrest
+me, I will take the poisons I carry with
+me and fall into a coma myself. I'll
+have already stitched the scythe and
+robe right into my very own flesh, so
+they won't be able to remove them. I'll
+have burned my face back to a skeletal
+sneer and my hands and ankles will be
+stripped of all flesh. It won't be so easy
+to get rid of old Grim. Seeing my
+comatose form on gurney will give
+every fatally ill person hope. Hell, my
+trick might even save them.
+====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====
+"Stare Down Sally"
+Remember those staring matches from
+childhood? The ones where you'd
+stare at someone until your eyes
+watered, seeing who would blink first?
+Think you were good at it? Gutsy
+enough to risk astigmatism? Well I
+dare you to Stare Down Sally!
+http://www.stairwell.com/stare/
+====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====
++ Carve something unrelated to
+Halloween into a kind of Jack
+O'Lantern.
++ Play "eyes, ears, nose, and throat":
+put one of these organs in a place
+where it doesn't belong and write.
++ Go to a local "rental center" and
+browse the tools, appliances, and
+furnishings. Choose an interesting
+object. Rent it if you've got money to
+squander; if not, remember it's details.
+Later, write a piece that pretends that
+your chosen object was possessed in
+some way.
+***
+Instigation is now a WEEKLY
+department in Hellnotes newsletter:
+http://www.hellnotes.com
+If you publish something instigated by
+this department, let me know at
+arnzen@gorelets.com and I'll mention
+it here! Or if you're bold (and willing to
+forfeit electronic rights), post your
+response to a prompt at the new
+Goreletter weblog by clicking on the
+word "comments" underneath the
+"Instigation" section at:
+<del>blogs.setonhill.edu/Arnzenews</del>
+====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS====
+Unspeakable Limericks
+I received my contributor's copy of a
+chapbook called Unspeakable
+Limericks last week, and I enjoyed it so
+much I thought I'd pass word along
+here. The editors -- Tyree Campbell
+and L.A. Story Houry -- really take this
+humorous form of poetry seriously, as
+their introduction to the book attests
+(and as I know from experience, as
+they painstakingly worked with me to
+edit my own poem in the book, "Crazy
+Biology," to perfection). Campbell and
+Houry mean serious business with this
+silly form, and the results are
+unanimously good: the limericks are
+hilarious and masterful. The
+"unspeakable" title is a bit of a
+misnomer -- you're destined to find
+yourself reading the poems out loud to
+your self and your friends, marveling
+over their wit.
+Though not all are as dirty, bawdy,
+naughty or grotesque as its
+"unspeakable" title might suggest,
+every poem has that sideways grin you
+expect from a good limerick. Most have
+the formal meter and punch-line timing
+you'd expect, while others push the
+boundaries of the pattern a little bit,
+keeping the book from falling into a rut
+of mind-numbing redundancy. But it's
+not as bizarre as it advertises and I
+would rate the book PG-13 if it were a
+film. That rating does not damn this
+book; in fact, I think Unspeakable
+Limericks is doing many things right,
+including holding back from being too
+excessive with sex and violence and
+scatology.
+One of the distinguishing features of
+the collection is the genre focus, as
+each poem falls within the speculative
+genres of science fiction, fantasy, or
+horror. This makes the collection feel
+like collegial light fun. The chapbook
+contains 37 poems and includes some
+familiar names from the genre press.
+Bruce Boston contributes some of the
+most scientific sounding limericks ("a
+google decided to engage in sex/while
+all of its aughts were still convex...");
+while Marcie Tentchoff delivers high
+fantasy at its most notoriously inventive
+("once boastfully proud of his scars/the
+elf-hunting orc chief Thr'xgar..."); and
+Alice Henderson tosses in some very
+strong genre blends that are truly
+horrific ("I clawed at the airlock in
+vain/as the larvae crawled into my
+brain..."). Other familiar poets include
+Cathy Buburuz, Stephen D. Rogers,
+Ann K. Schwader, Shannon Riley, P.
+Andrew Miller, Terrie Relf, Lee Clarke
+Zumpe, Kevin Hayes, and many more.
+The book is well arranged and filled
+with enough variety of form and genre
+to sustain a straight read all the way
+through. Although I don't think the
+cover matches the content, the
+production value is pretty strong for a
+chapbook of this ilk. There are many
+fantastic illustrations by Teri Santitoro
+(some in color!) both inside and out,
+and the book features fine paper
+interiors. Limericks are a form you
+either love or hate, but I think this 27
+page book -- an homage to Isaac
+Asimov's "Lecherous Limericks" -- will
+both charm and satisfy you, whether
+you're a fan of poetry or not. Available
+for $9 from Sam's Dot Publishing:
+http://www.samsdotpublishing.com
+====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====
+Blasphemer or Not?
+Holy Ghosts:
+<del>carmenspage.homestead.com/jesuscloud.html</del>
+Holy Rollers:
+http://www.gluck.net/jesus/index.html
+Strange Acts 17:30:
+http://winkingjesus.com/
+Combatting Halloween Heathens:
+http://www.landoverbaptist.org/subjectarchive/halloween.html
+====GORELETS: Unpleasant Poems====
+Pop-o-matic Trouble
+we palm punch soft spot\\
+and when the eyes roll back\\
+they point at the bony place\\
+to move our sick little pieces\\
+scored with death black divots\\
+and still we count out loud\\
+each move around this spiral-bent\\
+spinal cord runway till we get\\
+bored with playing games\\
+and put away such childish toys\\
+====ARNZEN NEWS====
++ NEW FICTION COLLECTION
+I am happy to announce that I've
+contracted with a bold newcomer --
+Raw Dog Screaming Press -- to
+publish my flash fiction collection, 100
+Jolts: Shockingly Short Stories, in trade
+paperback and ebook this coming
+Spring. As you might guess, this book
+actually contains one hundred short-
+short horror stories. Sound like enough
+bang for your buck? It's scheduled for
+release at World Horror Convention
+, where RDSP will host a party, a
+signing, and other fun activities. You
+can see the cover at gorelets.com or
+catch the great RDSP catalog here:
+http://www.rawdogscreaming.com
++ GORELETS: THE BOOK!
+You can now order Gorelets:
+Unpleasant Poems (52 short horror
+poems in a format all their own) in
+collectable print editions or as an e-
+book with a bonus chapbook's worth of
+"extra unpleasantness"! Only 52 copies
+of the signed/lettered edition ($9.99)
+will be printed and it's likely to sell out
+VERY fast. Don't despair: the standard
+edition costs just $7.99. Both are
+available now from Fairwood Press or
+Shocklines Bookstore. The e-book is a
+cheap alternative for just $4.99 directly
+from Double Dragon Publishing.
+http://www.fairwoodpress.com
+<del>store.yahoo.net/shocklines/gounpobymiaa.html</del>
+http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/
++ COOL BADNESS
+Gorelets.com was SciFi.Com's"Cool
+Pick of the Web" from Sept 25th-30th!
+<del>scifi.com/webguide/cool.php3</del>
+My parody of Martha Stewart, DYING,
+made Shocklines Bookstore's
+bestseller list this week! That's
+obviously a good thing.
+<del>store.yahoo.com/shocklines/besinbook.html</del>
+A new interview with Arnzen for The
+Dream People magazine's "Extreme
+Horror" issue includes sample stories
+from the upcoming book, 100 Jolts!
+http://www.angelfire.com/zine2/thedreampeople/oct03/arnzen.html
++ SPORTUARY UPDATE
+The publisher of my sports-related
+horror poetry e-book, CyberPulp, has
+encountered unforeseen delays, but
+promises me that the title will be
+available before Halloween. Keep your
+eyes on the preview page for updates:
+<del>gorelets.com/demos/sportuarysampler.htm</del>
++ FREAKCIDENTS UPDATE
+I know many you have been waiting for
+this one. So have I. If Dark Vesper
+Publishing does not produce
+Freakcidents by October 19th (five days
+from the day I write this), then my
+contractual obligation to them ceases
+and I will turn to another company who
+is already waiting in the wings. Want to
+order but uncertain? Don't fret! Order
+this book through Shocklines.com and
+you won't be charged a dime until the
+book ships to your door. This collection
+of poetry about mutants is one of my
+personal favorites, and reviewers who
+have read advanced copies have just
+loved it. So I still have high hopes for
+Freakcidents and I thank those of you
+who have been waiting for it for your
+patience.
+<del>store.yahoo.com/shocklines/freaksursidb.html</del>
++ OCTOBER RUSHES AT YOU
+Dark poetry fans might be in the mood
+for a neat new media collection that I'm
+in, called October Rush. It includes a
+favorite poem of mine, "Death Shroud
+Fashion Show"and a collaborative
+work with Kurt Newton...and tons of
+poems by some talented writers!
+Available FREE at:
+<del>specficworld.com/rush.html</del>
++ THE ARNZEN SEMINARS
+What are "The Arnzen Seminars"? Not
+as weird as you think. A new series of
+occasional columns on writing for Gila
+Queen's Guide to Markets. If you're a
+writer you should check out this trade
+magazine!
+http://gilaqueen.us/
++ NOT DEAD YET
+Caution: I'll be removing the offer for
+signed copies of DYING from the front
+of gorelets.com within the month. So if
+you want one, now's the time to order.
++ I'M STOKED!
+Thanks to every HWA member reading
+this who has nominated The Goreletter
+for the Bram Stoker Award in
+"Alternate Forms" so far. This
+newsletter currently tops the Stoker
+charts with the most recommendations!
+But it's early in the game...
+http://www.horror.org/stokers.htm
+====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====
+"Weird Wilford Brimley"
+For your next movie night, rent:\\
+The Thing (1982)\\
+The Firm (1993)\\
+Progeny (1999)\\
+====DATA + ERRATA====
++ READ THE GORELETTER AS IT IS
+COMPOSED!
+The Goreletter is now available as a
+"work-in-progess" online. You can read
+it in the form of a "blog" (a.k.a.
+"weblog"). I am doing this not only to
+release breaking news, but also to
+allow the newsletter to be syndicated
+and to enable live links, graphics, and
+even comments from readers.
+So now you can read this newsletter
+online via RSS Newsfeed. What's
+RSS? It's a new way to subscribe to
+different articles on the internet without
+cluttering your inbox or losing
+messages to spam filters and quotas.
+Go to the blog (address below) to find
+out more. Given the "live" abilities of
+this new format, I will often post the
+specific departments from the
+newsletter (Blather, Weird Web of the
+Month, etc.) as I write them and even
+list breaking news items and extra
+material that might not appear in the
+newsletter itself. So if you find yourself
+wanting more than a monthly fix, drop
+by gorelets.com and click on through.
+One exciting element of the blog site
+will be that you can choose to filter by
+department, so that, for example, if you
+want to review all the "instigation"
+prompts from the past volume all on
+one page, you can do that! If you want
+to post the results of anything you write
+inspired by those prompts -- or discuss
+any feature, from the Blather column to
+the Pithy Morbid Thoughts that end
+each issue -- you can post comments
+there, too!
+Know that YOU NEED DO NOTHING
+to keep reading The Goreletter as you
+have been. This newsletter is my
+priority; the blog is essentially a new
+media supplement that adds more
+interactivity and timeliness. (More and
+more serials are going to RSS so you
+might want to look into it!)
+You can always get to the Blog via
+gorelets.com. But here's a direct link
+to the blog address. Please check it
+out and leave a comment or two!
+<del>blogs.setonhill.edu/Arnzenews/</del>
++ SQUEEGIE OFF THE GORE
+Congratulations to subscribers Leila
+Eadie and Jill Roberts, for winning the
+"Giant Monster Battle" contest from the
+last issue. Combining guts, intellect,
+and luck, they both slayed the blob that
+could not be stopped, Geoblie, and
+won free "Bitpasses" for any of the
+content featured at bitpass.com. I've
+left the "battle" game page online if you
+want to play with Geoblie's flaccid
+corpse. Go here and prod carefully:
+<del>gorelets.com/gorelets/geoblie.html</del>
++ Please take a moment to vote
+whether or not you want to get rid of
+the unique "skinny column" format of
+The Goreletter, which is no longer
+required for Handheld computer users.
+If you LIKE the long column, I'll keep it.
+But you have to vote for it.
+<del>gorelets.com/gorelets/goreletter/tugletpoll2.html</del>
+====BOO COUPONS====
+It actually pays to scroll this far down.
+NEW FAIRWOOD PRESS COUPON
+Fairwood Press is offering an exclusive
+discount to Goreletter subscribers. You
+can get a $1.50 off the standard edition
+of my new chapbook, Gorelets:
+Unpleasant Poems -- or $3 off Gorelets
+with the purchase of any other title! To
+get the discount, browse around
+Fairwood's website and when you
+have your picks, PayPal your payment
+to publisher Patrick Swenson at
+patrick@fairwoodpress.com and
+include the codeword "GoreWood" in
+your order. The Fairwood Press
+shopping cart will not work for this
+discount.
+http://www.fairwoodpress.com
+[Be sure to visit Fairwood Press' table
+at World Fantasy Convention!]
+NEW SHOCKLINES BREAK
+There's a new book about "horror as a
+way of life" that I'm greatly anticipating:
+Fear in a Handful of Dust by the very
+talented Gary Braunbeck. My favorite
+bookstore in the world, Shocklines, is
+giving us all a great deal on this just-
+released book! Get $4 off your order
+when you mention the promotional
+codeword "GOREDUST" after you put
+this book in your cart. This offer is
+good only until Nov 14th, so act soon.
+<del>store.yahoo.com/shocklines/feinhaofduby.html</del>
+THE DARK ANIMUS DEAL
+Mention "The Arnzen Special" to
+publisher James Cain when you
+subscribe to Dark Animus magazine,
+and you'll get a 5 issue subscription for
+a 4 issue price. Subscriptions costs
+$25 US and can be paid via PayPal to
+skullmnky@hotmail.com. This weird
+Aussie mag has just released a special
+"puppet" issue that's sure to creep you
+out...and a new writing award that's
+wonderfully twisted! They're also likely
+to publish a novella of mine in groovy
+chapbook form next Spring.
+http://www.darkanimus.com/
+MSI COUPON
+Like gruesome artwork? Bernie
+Wrightson, Chanting Monks Studios,
+and the crazies at Boneyard Press are
+offering Goreletter subscribers 20% off
+any order over $50! You might have
+seen Wrightson's pen and ink work in
+Stephen King novels; you might have
+heard about the notorious Sex Crimes
+anthology; you might even be curious
+about Chiller Theater magazine. This is
+the place to get them all.
+<del>mediasi.com/</del>
+FICTIONWISE E-BOOKS CHEAP
+Fictionwise.com maintains a special
+% off page for Goreletter
+subscribers, which is updated weekly.
+This week's features include
+Scott Nicholson's "Doomsday Diaries"
+and Tim Waggoner's "Soaring." Plus e-
+books by Dan Simmons, Catherine
+Asaro, and many many MANY more!
+And NOW is the time to check them
+out...their huge Halloween horror
+special is going on right now -- all
+horror stories -- including all of MY
+ebooks, like Fluid Mosaic and
+Paratabloids, are available at 30% off!
+Weekly Goreletter Discounts:\\
+<del>fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/</del>
+Arnzen's e-books at 30% off in Oct!\\
+<del>fictionwise.com/servlet/mw?t=author&ai=1527&id=4004</del>
+====COLOPHON====
+All material in The Goreletter is:
+c 2003 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
+otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
+Permission is granted to forward the
+entire contents as a whole, without
+alterations or excisions. For reprint
+permissions of individual pieces,
+please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.
+This newsletter is formatted in one
+skinny column to accommodate
+handheld computer users. If you own a
+PDA, try The Goreletter as a free
+Mazingo channel at:
+<del>mazingo.net/pc/subscribe.php?site_id=1552&src=111</del>
+Subscribe, unsubscribe, and shout out
+about The Goreletter at:
+http://www.gorelets.com
+Read the next issue in progress:
+<del>blogs.setonhill.edu/Arnzenews/</del>
+Our surrealist product endorsement:\\
+http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi?ref=The+Goreletter
+====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====
+"The living is a species of the dead;
+and not a very attractive one."
+-- Friedrich Nietzsche (died 1900)
+----
+{{page>gfoot&nodate&nouser}}