goreletter:proverbs_for_monsters
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+ | THE GORELETTER: | ||
+ | Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++ Vol. 2 #9, July 4, 2004 +++ | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Proverbs for Monsters** | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | ====BLATHER==== | ||
+ | Blather. Wince. Repeat. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Proverbs for Monsters | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Slime never feels slimy to slime.\\ | ||
+ | + Bark all you like, the man in the moon has no ears.\\ | ||
+ | + Biting off the head silences the victim. But it is the feet that will stop them from running away.\\ | ||
+ | + Beware of things that go bump in the day.\\ | ||
+ | + Man, like monster, also has sharp teeth.\\ | ||
+ | + Those who most shun garlic, often most enjoyed it in their youth.\\ | ||
+ | + The sleep of madness brings forth humanity.\\ | ||
+ | + Wear gold jewelry. When silver is in fashion, wear even more of it.\\ | ||
+ | + Like a stake through the heart, so is the love of the clergy.\\ | ||
+ | + A man eating plant will even swallow a vegetarian, when hungry.\\ | ||
+ | + A garbled threat is but a spell cast by an illiterate witch.\\ | ||
+ | + An infant vampire bites hardest.\\ | ||
+ | + Even werewolves shave during the day.\\ | ||
+ | + It is not your tentacles, but the acid that drips from them, that frightens your prey.\\ | ||
+ | + Those who fear the sun too soon often awaken before sundown.\\ | ||
+ | + One can catch a good human with a bad hamburger.\\ | ||
+ | + Holy water stings but a neck bite is forever.\\ | ||
+ | + Nothing is more stupid than an exposed brain.\\ | ||
+ | + Fortune favors the cleaver.\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ARNZEN NEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | + GORELETTER WINS BRAM STOKER AWARD\\ | ||
+ | It's now official: you're reading one of the weirdest newsletters on the internet. | ||
+ | |||
+ | On June 5th, this newsletter received the 2003 Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in Alternative Forms from the Horror Writers Association. Other winners of this literary award -- the horror genre' | ||
+ | |||
+ | HWA Press Release: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | College Press Release: < | ||
+ | |||
+ | My Speech: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | My Photolog: < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Raw Dog Screaming' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Gorelets Limited Ed.: < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Pitchblende: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + GRAVE MARKINGS SELLS OUT\\ | ||
+ | My publisher, Delirium Books, reports that my Stoker Award-winning first novel, Grave Markings: The Tenth Anniversary Edition has now SOLD OUT in all editions. I have a handful of signed/ | ||
+ | |||
+ | GMX: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Fluid Mosaic: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sign up for PayPal: https:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + JOLTS UPDATE\\ | ||
+ | I noticed that 100 Jolts has started getting Bram Stoker Award recommendations in the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | 100 Jolts: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Jolts on Shocklines: < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + SPORTUARY SCALPED AT FICTIONWISE\\ | ||
+ | My e-book exclusive poetry book about the dark side of sports -- Sportuary -- is now available at Fictionwise for $1.50. Hey, what gives -- that's half price! Talk about a scalping. Fictionwise multiformat ebooks are readable in many different ways: on your computer, on your PDA, on your ebook reader. Formats include: Adobe Acrobat, Microsoft Reader, Palm Doc, PocketPC, Franklin eBookMan, Mobipocket, and more. You'll find many discounted Arnzen e-books at Fictionwise, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sportuary: | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + A REALLY SCARY MEMOIR\\ | ||
+ | "What Corrupted Me" is an autobiographical reflection on how my morbid curiosity and taste for horror fiction developed. It should be available any day now at the Really Scary website -- which is quite a good place to get your horror media news and offbeat articles. I especially like author Ray Garton' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + FLASH FANTASTIC\\ | ||
+ | I like the approach of Flash Fantastic magazine: the design emulates an actual magazine, and their focus on a single simple concept (speculative flash fiction) defines them. FF published my short-short, | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + UPCOMING APPEARANCES\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | Wed, July 21st, 9pm eastern\\ | ||
+ | Online Chat: "Short Forms: Horror Poetry and Dark Flash Fiction" | ||
+ | Horror Writers Association Chat Room (HWA members only): http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sat, July 24, Pittsburgh, PA\\ | ||
+ | Fiction Reading + Panels\\ | ||
+ | Confluence 2004 SF Convention: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sat, Aug 14, 5pm eastern\\ | ||
+ | Fiction Reading (with Gerard Houarner)\\ | ||
+ | Horrorfind Weekend East -- Baltimore, MD: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Thurs, Oct 14th, 8pm eastern\\ | ||
+ | Online Chat (open to public)\\ | ||
+ | Long Ridge Writer' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Oct 28-31, Tempe, AZ: World Fantasy Convention 2004 (tentatively planned) | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | My Favorite Listmanias | ||
+ | |||
+ | A Tour Through The Body: Fun (And Gross) Books For Kids\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Greatest Movies Involving Decapitation\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Top 25 Weirdest Things You Can Buy on Amazon.com\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | So You're Going to Jail... \\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Dead, dying, maimed, deformed, opened & freakish bodies\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | At Least the Titles are Funny\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====INSTIGATION: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Violate an aquarium by constructing a grotesque underwater display. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Disgust a schoolchild by dishing out something surprising in the cafeteria. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Do something very nasty with body hair. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Instigation is a WEEKLY department in Hellnotes newsletter: http:// | ||
+ | You can also buy collections of prompts for chump change at The Sickolodeon: | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you publish something instigated by this department, let me know at arnzen@gorelets.com and I'll mention it here! Or if you're bold (and willing to forfeit electronic rights), post your response to a prompt at the new Goreletter weblog by clicking on the word " | ||
+ | |||
+ | For example, read the recent flash fiction about the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====SNIPPETS OF THE STRANGE==== | ||
+ | SPECIAL CONTEST EDITION | ||
+ | |||
+ | To celebrate this newsletter' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Like most people, I've set up automatic spam " | ||
+ | |||
+ | What follows is a list of phrases I've actually seen in my spam box in the past month. As you'll see, they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | aerodynamic drool\\ | ||
+ | blood clot cowards\\ | ||
+ | bronchial spaghetti\\ | ||
+ | burglar necromancers of 5581\\ | ||
+ | dolphin alchemists\\ | ||
+ | fungoid bug cerebellum\\ | ||
+ | god screwed you\\ | ||
+ | keep it up larvae\\ | ||
+ | horsewomen catsup\\ | ||
+ | living with 30 pig pen gonads\\ | ||
+ | molecular cannibal\\ | ||
+ | pit viper brides\\ | ||
+ | removes skin\\ | ||
+ | super soft graveyard people\\ | ||
+ | voyeur blood boots\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | You get one free guess. E-mail it to me at < | ||
+ | |||
+ | And please don't send me spam, no matter how poetic you might be. | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Mannequin Madness | ||
+ | |||
+ | For your next movie night, rent: \\ | ||
+ | Tourist Trap (1979)\\ | ||
+ | Maniac (1980)\\ | ||
+ | Hide and Go Shriek (1988)\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | The first anthology from Allegra Press -- Wicked Little Girls, edited by Christina Sng -- is a mixed bag of stories and poems involving female children who are "made of sugar and spikes and everything >not< nice" (as Scott Urban puts it in his introduction). Sng -- a genre poet of much repute -- has done a good job selecting a wide array of approaches to the topic. While the production quality is a bit disappointing (especially the bare-boned red cardstock cover, with the words of the title blown up in a large, familiar, blood-dripping horror font), the length is a little short (26 pages), and the story quality is a little unbalanced, there are also some real gems hiding in this small press chapbook about darkness lurking where you'd least expect it: in the form of the sweet and innocent girl. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Refreshingly, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Because the collection' | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====GORELETS: | ||
+ | |||
+ | flagellum | ||
+ | |||
+ | i saw a worm squirming in place\\ | ||
+ | one side squashed into the pavement\\ | ||
+ | pink, flattened and stuck like tack\\ | ||
+ | the other snaking wildly\\ | ||
+ | as if in pain or panic\\ | ||
+ | a familiar flagellum\\ | ||
+ | getting nowhere\\ | ||
+ | before my other foot came down\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====YOUR ACT OF KINDNESS FOR TODAY==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Do me a favor? | ||
+ | |||
+ | Gorelets is a pretty popular site in the horror community, but last time I checked my server' | ||
+ | |||
+ | As you probably know, I offer a free link to all e-mail subscribers who want one on my site at < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | (They Burn) Just Like Ants | ||
+ | |||
+ | Chances are good that because you're reading this newsletter, you were the creepy sort of kid -- excuse me, I meant " | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you like this diversion, then go to < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====DATA+ERRATA=DRATTA==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Last issue' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Instigation Volumes III & IV have been posted to The Sickolodeon in a combined edition. You get 120 More Twisted Prompts for Sicko Writers for just 60 measly cents -- and that's virtually two editions for the price of one! Many of these prompts appeared first in my column for Hellnotes newsletter. Visit The Sickolodeon at gorelets.com or investigate other bitpass-enabled media...you' | ||
+ | Sickolodeon: | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BOO COUPONS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | It actually pays to scroll this far down. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + A KING'S GIFT\\ | ||
+ | Get 20% off the most comprehensive guide to Stephen King's fiction ever published. Over 5300 pages covering every work of fiction, even those that have not been published. King himself describes it as '...a wonderful resource.' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + DELIRIUM BOOKS OFFER\\ | ||
+ | Get all in-stock regular limited edition hardcovers (regularly priced from $40-$50) for $30.00 each and get free shipping. Save $10.00 to $20.00 off every book! Paypal to: srstaley@deliriumbooks.com and place your order within the special instructions note accompanying payment. Also mention THE GORELETTER discount. This deal is also good for checks or money orders. Customer must include order with check or money order payable to Delirium Books. Again, mention THE GORELETTER discount. E-mail publisher Shane Staley at srstaley@deliriumbooks.com with any questions. Offer good only one time. | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + FLESH & BLOOD DISCOUNT\\ | ||
+ | Get all available back issues of Flesh & Blood magazine for 30% off and any of the F&B book titles for 35% off. Free shipping and handling on all purchases. Please send payment made out to Jack Fisher with a note mentioning the " | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + HELLNOTES BONANZA\\ | ||
+ | Because you subscribe to The Goreletter, you can get a one year's subscription to the e-mail version of Hellnotes -- the Insider' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + FAIRWOOD PRESS EXCLUSIVE\\ | ||
+ | Fairwood Press is offering an exclusive discount to Goreletter subscribers. You can get a $1.50 off the standard edition of my Bram Stoker Award-finalist chapbook, Gorelets: Unpleasant Poems -- or $3 off Gorelets with the purchase of any other title! To get the discount, browse around Fairwood' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + ASMODAY (FOR WRITERS ONLY) | ||
+ | Get 10% of the writer' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====COLOPHON==== | ||
+ | All material in The Goreletter is © 2004 Michael A. Arnzen, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to forward the entire contents as a whole, without alterations or excisions. Direct links to articles in the archives or the weblog are permitted and encouraged. For reprint permissions of individual pieces, please contact arnzen@gorelets.com. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Subscribe, unsubscribe, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Read The Goreletter online as a draft-in-progress, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our Editorial Assistant: Don "of the Dead" Kinney http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our surrealist product endorsement: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Forward this issue to your weirdest friend! | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Take Your Licking and Keep on Ticking | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | {{page> |