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THE GORELETTER:

Arnzen's Weird Newsletter

http://www.gorelets.com

+++ Vol 1.2, Oct. 17, 2002 +++

**U-Hell**

----
====BLATHER====
Blather. Wince. Repeat.

"Ways in Which Moving is Like Death"

+ Good friends do heavy lifting. They
probably will drink and eat afterwards.\\
+ Your apartment is up for grabs.\\
+ Sadly, you will leave things behind.
But more of it will end up in the trash
than you imagined possible.\\
+ On the day of departure, you won't
be able to say goodbye to everyone
you'd hoped to.\\
+ Some of your friends will have
trouble saying goodbye for the first
time since you've known them.\\
+ Your past becomes legend far too
quickly. Even the secret stuff.
+ You can't take it with you. I'm
referring, of course, to that thing some
jerk borrowed and never returned.
Now it's really gone.\\
+ Your eating and showering habits
are altered and you will resent this.\\
+ Your new address is uncertain.\\
+ Your neighbors stink.\\

"To part is to die a little…" -- Edmond
Haraucourt, "Chanson de l'Adieu"

====SADISTIC STATISTICS====

Short story writers are at their "prime"
from age 29 to 38; novelists from 39 to
47.

Age at which Stephen King declared
his retirement: 54.

%age of men between 40 and 70 who
experience impotence: 52

Age at which menopause typically sets
in: between 45 and 54

Age at which the "Bloody Countess"
Elizabeth Báthory died: 54.

Number of young virgins slaughtered
to create Ms. Báthory's "blood bath"
complexion formula: 650

***
Sources: theage.com 1 Feb 2002;
astrologynow.com, 1998;
bathory.sk, 2001; Passell, How
To, 1976; menalive.com, 1997.

====GORELETS====

"Crusty Old Age": A Microfiction

Before dawn, an old woman forks
holes into a flaky piecrust, cooling
down the steaming tin on her
windowsill.

Outside, a lurking vampire responds.
In a burst of blackened dust, he
transforms into a cloud of fruit flies and
drifts into her opened window. Absent-
mindedly, she swats as he reassumes
shape.

She tastes of lilac as he bites a frail
freckled shoulder, but her runny tissue
is warm over his tongue like baked
fruit.

She too will develop a taste for human
pie, baked by time. Brittle bones and
dentures won't prevent her; she knows
how to use her fork.

====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====

"Slow-but-Loveable Killers"

For your next movie night, rent:\\
SLING BLADE\\
OF MICE AND MEN\\
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST\\

====SNIPPETS OF THE STRANGE====

"You may be wondering how meat
creates air pollution. After all, cows,
hogs, and chickens don't have
smokestacks, and the process of
chopping them up shouldn't have any
nefarious effect on our air."
-- paragraph randomly spotted in
Howard Lyman's MAD COWBOY

"Botulism. E Coli. Salmonella.
Irrelevant. These diseases/organisms
have virtually NOTHING to do with the
topic, unless we are eating dogs and
their faeces contaminate the meat."
-- found in usenet newsgroup
"talk.politics.animals" (9/22/97)

"Dead animals, whom you have
devoured like a ghoul, will haunt you
unto death." -- found in usenet group
"soc.culture.czecho-slovak" (7/31/99)

====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====

"Memento Morty"

Post a little notice of your own life
expectancy on your web site so you
never forget how much time you're
wasting online. Or post the death date
of your most hated enemy. Brought to
you by those brilliantly bizarre boys at
The Brunching Shuttlecocks:

http://www.brunching.com/morty.html

====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS====

There's nothing hollow about WICKED
HOLLOW magazine. WH is made to fit
into your back pocket, but it's
overspilling with good reads. As the
title indicates, its focus is horror fiction,
art and poetry. But what distinguishes
WH from others in the small press is its
distinctive character.

Because of its pocket-sized design, the
mag is a delight to carry around and
read whenever a dark mood strikes.
Unlike so many other sloppily Xeroxed
mini-mags, WICKED HOLLOW's
production has real personality. Every
issue has a trademark earth-toned, rib-
textured card stock cover. Each edition
uses a flair of red ink sparsely
throughout the magazine (though one
wonders if the color is used TOO
economically…as most of it appears
only on the cover and in the page
headings). The mag regularly uses
great b/w art in a smart way to
accompany both stories and poems.
And though I feel the magazine's
edges could benefit from a printer's
trimming machine, the general layout
of this periodical is remarkable enough
to make it uniquely fit for its contents.

In the October issue of WH (#4), a LOT
of good stuff is crammed into 85
pages. The stories range from one-
page flashes (like Kendall Evan's
"Jack's Masterpiece" -- a unique
pumpkin-carving tale) to just-right short
stories (like Darren Speegle's bizarre
opening number, "Dance Therapeutic,"
which involves viscera dangling by
strings from a ceiling). There is a
balance between gore and soft horror.
Other good writers in this issue include
Kealan-Patrick Burke, Stephen
Rogers, Christina Sng, and William P.
Robertson. (I've got a poem in #4
called "tortuous aorta" …but that
doesn't bias me, I swear!).

Adding to its unique character, the
magazine features a fun column on the
back cover, "The Coma-Induced Top
Five," which features a notable genre
writer each issue. These guests offer a
Lettermanesque list of humorous
choices related to horror each issue.
In #4, Mark McLaughlin explains his
five favourite low budget horror flicks;
in issue #2, Bruce Boston listed his
hilarious "Top 5 Things Not to Say
When Being Tortured to Death." And in
a productive use of New Media,
readers are invited each quarter to
post their own "top 5" on the
magazine's excellent web site.

WICKED HOLLOW is cheaper than a
bag of Halloween candy at $3 a pop
(or $12/year for 4 quarterly issues).
Visit their home page for ordering
information and hollow out some space
in your back pocket for issue #4 this
"Holloween." And while you're there,
browse around "Project Pulp"…you'll
be pleasantly surprised:

http://blindside.net/WickedHollow

====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====

The Gashlycrumb Tinies Live!:
<del>www.edleston.cheshire.sch.uk/projects/poetry/utter.htm</del>

Very Odd Auctions:
http://www.whowouldbuythat.com/

Rude Voyeurism:
[deleted]

====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====

Craft a piece whose theme is captured
by this anonymous quotation from the
world of zoology: "An effective way to
deal with predators is to taste terrible."

Hitchcock's famous shower scene from
Psycho never actually shows the blade
penetrating flesh. Emulate this: write a
highly disturbing scene without actually
showing gore. If this is too difficult for
you gorehounds, try to use the
viewpoint of a blind killer.

"Satan0666" instant messages you.
Script the conversation. Be sure to
have the unwelcome prince of
darkness utilize emoticons and chat
room shorthand. As in:
]:-<- (a sad li'l devil with blood
dribbling from his right fang)

====ARNZEN NEWS====

NEW E-BOOKS AVAILABLE AT 30%
OFF!!! Fictionwise.com has released
my Bram Stoker-awarded work in e-
book format. "An Eye for an Eye" -- an
excerpt from GRAVE MARKINGS that
made an appearance in Karl Wagner's
THE YEAR'S BEST HORROR
STORIES -- is available for 50 cents or
less! They've also released an e-book
version of my bizarrely funny Stoker
finalist in poetry, PARATABLOIDS, for
an insanely cheap price. This week it's
on sale for an extra 15% off. There's a
30% Halloween Season rebate on ALL
horror e-books!!! WOW! There's no
better time to try 'em out. Go to:
<del>fictionwise.com/servlet/mw?t=author&ai=1527&id=4004</del>

I'll have all the following new work
online and in print just in time for your
Halloween displeasure:

Vestal Review's cast THE CURSE OF
FAT FACE here:
http://www.vestalreview.net

FlashShot Daily will have a little
something of mine one day this month:
http://www.gwthomas.org/flashshotindex.htm

Sidereality's featuring an EYELESS
alien encounter here:
<del>sidereality.com/index.html</del>

The Dream People are holding down
THE ONE WHOSE EYES WOULD
NOT CLOSE here:
http://www.dreampeople.org

Soon, Rogue Worlds will be serving
HALLOWEEN PIE here:
<del>specficworld.com/rgworlds.html</del>

Insolent Rudder has been mucking IN
THE MIDDLE for awhile now here:
<del>insolentrudder.org</del>

Dust Devil is spinning three dangerous
Arnzen poems for Halloween here
(print):
<del>geocities.com/dustdevilzine</del>

Macabre magazine will heave a
handful of my horror poetry here
(print):
<del>allegrapress.com/</del>

Lunatic Chameleon is blushing madly
with a poem or two here (print):
<del>geocities.com/nancatbird/index.html</del>

Paradoxa will release my academic
review of Bill Sheehan's study of Peter
Straub, AT THE FOOT OF THE
STORY TREE (print):
http://www.paradoxa.com

====DATA & ERRATA====

QUICK FICTIONS's price was raised
to two issues for $9 right after I
delivered last month's issue. That's
still cheap. See <del>jppress.org</del>
for details.

The Arnzen lot in the HWA/ProLiteracy
auction went for a whopping $28.99.
Not bad! Shocklines.com reports that
the auction raised over $7,000 total in
the name of promoting literacy. All
right! Now people will be able to read
those warning labels on antifreeze and
so forth.

If you didn't get the premiere issue of
this newsletter, I've posted it online as
a sample here:
<del>gorelets.com/gorelets/goreletter/samplegoreletter.htm</del>

====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====

+ The animated "horror handheld"
graphic on the front page has been
updated for lots of clicky fun. Did you
know it features a new Gorelet poem
irregularly? Click on the "skull" button
to read the latest one.

+ Writer Hertzan Chimera is among the
many authors who have posted poetry
on "The Refrigerator of the Damned"
recently. It's still plugged in and
buzzing. Give it a try!

====BOO COUPONS====

It pays to scroll this far down.

WILDSIDE PRESS -- publisher of my
collection, FLUID MOSAIC -- kindly
and exclusively offers Goreletter
subscribers a 10% discount coupon on
your next order! Enter the coupon
code ARNZEN when you check out at
their web store and save on some
great titles you can't find anywhere
else. Hey babe, take a walk on it here:
http://www.wildsidepress.com/

FICTIONWISE offers "15% off"
discounts on a special list of e-books
for subscribers to The Goreletter:
<del>fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/</del>
The list of these discounts is updated
WEEKLY so revisit it time and again.
THEY'RE ALSO RUNNING A 30%
REBATE OFFER ON ALL HORROR
TITLES THROUGH HALLOWEEN!
AN UNBELIEVABLE BARGAIN!

====COLOPHON====
All material in The Goreletter is:
© 2002 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to forward the
entire contents as a whole, without
alterations. For reprint permissions,
please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.

This newsletter is formatted in one
skinny column to accommodate
handheld computer users. If you own
a PDA, try The Goreletter as a free
Mazingo channel at:
<del>mazingo.net/pc/subscribe.php?site_id=1552&src=111</del>

Subscribe, unsubscribe, and shout out
about The Goreletter at:
http://www.gorelets.com

====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====

"Those who welcome death have only
tried it from the ears up."
-- Wilson Mizner (died 1933)

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