goreletter:grammassacre
Differences
This shows you the differences between two versions of the page.
Both sides previous revisionPrevious revision | |||
goreletter:grammassacre [2013/11/29 11:39] – marnzen | goreletter:grammassacre [2013/11/29 11:39] (current) – [PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS] marnzen | ||
---|---|---|---|
Line 1: | Line 1: | ||
+ | THE GORELETTER: | ||
+ | Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++ Vol. 2 #6, Feb. 27, 2004 +++ | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Grammassacre** | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BLATHER==== | ||
+ | Blather. Wince. Repeat. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Geezer Gore | ||
+ | |||
+ | I was scanning the horror DVDs at the video store the other day, and after awhile, all the covers began to look the same to me. I worry that the horror film industry is falling for the same packaging mistakes that horror novels made in the 1980s: back then, every book was black with a skeleton on the cover. And it virtually killed the industry. Apparently such book buyers don't pay attention to author names, see all those skeletons on the covers and think they " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Nowadays almost every video case on the shelf has a fanged clown-like creature on it, wielding some sort of blade. Or otherwise there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Maybe I'm getting old, but this trend for teenage victims is getting staler than syndicated reruns of Saved by the Bell (...who probably shouldn' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Once something' | ||
+ | |||
+ | That's right. I'm proposing a new subgenre: geezer gore. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Now, I know that this sounds terribly crass and ageist, but if that's true, then the filmmakers and screenwriters who perpetually cast seventeen-year-olds in the role of " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Why just kill the blondes? I want to see gray hairs in my gray matter. I'm tired of seeing kids chased around the college campus or the summer camp. I want to see blood spraying down the hallways of nursing homes and axes chopping up the card tables at bridge. I want to see flying nose hoses and hear lots of rattling bedpans. Instead of watching a supple rump trying to shimmy out of a bathroom window, I want to see the weak and ill, crawling across blood-soaked tile in open surgery gowns and sagging adult diapers. | ||
+ | |||
+ | And I want their murders to be just as ironically apt as they are in all the slasher movies. And I'm not just talking about the obvious forms of brutality, like caning. I want to see some old lady pinned down by her own walker and tortured with vicious intravenous bottles. I want to see a possessed pair of dentures taking huge bites out of old man Charley. I want to see longevity freaks in their warm-up suits and headbands choking on fistfuls of Geritol. And they'd make good villains, too. I want to see geriatric killers wielding amped-up heart attack paddles. Sexagenarian slashers with crazy coupon scissors. Viagra vampires. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Some movies kill off the parents or grandparents of the teenage cast, and while that seems like a step in the right direction, it's actually tokenism. Far more kids die than their parents in the slasher genre, even though there are twice as many progenitors than offspring. This is obviously a way to appease the rebellious kids in the audience, who wish their parents would just die already. But of course, these are supposed to be R-rated movies were talking about -- films which ostensibly are only for the adults in the first place. So let's raise the bar a generation and kill the grandparents already, okay? | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sure, horror already has its fill of scary old people. Wicked witches are rarely under twenty-five. The crazy man down the block is usually a crazy OLD man. And what's a vampire if nothing but a very, very old person? The fact is that most Hollywood movie characters over marriage age are more predictable and stereotypical than "ditzy blondes" | ||
+ | |||
+ | Now I beg of you -- don't send me hate mail. I'm no spring chicken and I'm probably older than 75% of the people reading this. I might not be middle aged, but I count myself among the, well, aged. Aged enough to have seen decade after decade of horror films. And very little has changed since John Carpenter' | ||
+ | |||
+ | If they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sure, it's sad when a stunt BMX biker gets his head chopped off by a ceiling fan, because he never got to live past twenty and pay taxes. But it's freaking tragic when an eighty year old survives three wars, living a long life of honor and dignity, only to have her lungs yanked inside out through her tracheotomy hole by a maniac ex-smoker. Tragic, I tell you. And messy. | ||
+ | |||
+ | I have a dream. I see new titles high up in the marquee. Grammassacre. Satanic Sexagenarians from Mars. Whippersnappers. Haunted House of Infirmary. Attack of the Elderleeches. Werewolves in Wheelchairs. Retiree Resurrection. The Exlaxorcist. Leatherface II: The True Story. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Let's quit clowning around with the youth in some perverse playland. (That goes for you, too, Mr. Jackson). Let's inject more originality into our stories. Let's allow the genre to age with grace. Horror cinema is far too young to die such a silly death. The actual audience members who sat in the theaters of the original horror blockbusters from the 1930s -- Dracula and Frankenstein -- are a population that's rapidly dwindling. Let's do it for them, before it's too late. | ||
+ | |||
+ | [Postscript: | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====DATA+ERRATA=DRATTA==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | The heading in the e-mail edition of Goreletter 2.5 incorrectly placed the year as 2003. For those of you who haven' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Most Popular Courses at Grotesque U. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Psychology of Disgust\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Anatomy for Butchers\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Death Sculpting\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Entrepreneurial Veterinarian\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sudden Swanwick | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you like getting your fiction in tiny doses, then you'll enjoy the book, Cigar Box Faust and Other Miniatures, by multi-award winning science fiction writer Michael Swanwick. If you're a science fiction fan with a taste for humor, you'll really adore it. With this fine collection of microfiction, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Swanwick structures Cigar Box Faust by organizing the many short pieces into various thematic clusters, logical series, or variations on a theme -- patterns he likely used to generate the microscopic tales themselves. The " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Indeed, the series of powerful short-shorts called " | ||
+ | |||
+ | The book's titular story, "Cigar Box Faust," | ||
+ | |||
+ | Cigar Box Faust and Other Miniatures by Michael Swanwick. Tachyon Publications. Trade paperback. Color Cover by Freddie Baer. 94 pp. ISBN 1-892391-07-4. $14.95. http:// | ||
+ | Author' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | For your next movie night, rent:\\ | ||
+ | It (1990)\\ | ||
+ | To Catch a Killer (1992)\\ | ||
+ | Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Your Last Words | ||
+ | |||
+ | You've been lacerated twenty times by the blade. The killer takes your fingertip with him for safe keeping. But little does he know that you're not dead yet. You dip the quill of your gored fingertip into the inkwell of your own blood, conveniently puddling on the kitchen floor beside your intestines. You write the name of your murderer on the tiles. It' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Bloody Finger Mail!\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | My last words:\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | [Requires the Flash MX player, a plug-in which will auto-install in your web browser if you don't have it already.] | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====INSTIGATION: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Choke someone by force feeding them something in a poetically just way. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Discover a tentacled monstrosity in a bathroom or a kitchen. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Perform an amateur alien autopsy. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Instigation is a WEEKLY department in Hellnotes newsletter: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you publish something instigated by this department, let me know at arnzen@gorelets.com and I'll mention it here! Or if you're bold (and willing to forfeit electronic rights), post your response to a prompt at the new Goreletter weblog by clicking on the word " | ||
+ | |||
+ | For example, you can read Star C. Foster' | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====GORELETS: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Tina's Piercing Fetish | ||
+ | |||
+ | His tribal tattoos really smolder, as colorful\\ | ||
+ | as his cobalt and charcoal eyes, but\\ | ||
+ | it's really Robert' | ||
+ | The rod popped through the septum\\ | ||
+ | of his puck nose, the cute pin in his chin,\\ | ||
+ | the long needle in his tasty tongue.\\ | ||
+ | It's the latter that's her favorite,\\ | ||
+ | because it keeps him quiet.\\ | ||
+ | Sure, he spits more than he used to,\\ | ||
+ | but he's still quite a hottie, and that' | ||
+ | all to be expected when she seasons\\ | ||
+ | the chunks of him on her shish-ka-bob.\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ARNZEN NEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++DOUBLY STOKED\\ | ||
+ | Both this strange newsletter (The Goreletter) and my poetry chapbook from Fairwood Press last October (Gorelets: Unpleasant Poems) have received enough recommendations to appear on the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++A DECADE OF DECADENCE, DWINDLING\\ | ||
+ | The leatherbound and/or hardcover editions of my novel, Grave Markings: The Tenth Anniversary Edition, are probably sold out by now, but there still might be a copy or two left if you write Delirium Books NOW with your inquiry. See http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++100 JOLTS UPDATE\\ | ||
+ | I have received advanced pressings of my upcoming collection, 100 Jolts: Shockingly Short Stories. Let me tell you -- Raw Dog Screaming Press has done a superb job with this title. The color cover by Matt Sesow is a knock-out. It received a rollicking review in FlashFictionFlash newsletter this month (http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | And since you're a loyal fan and all, reading this long-winded and bizarre little newsletter so closely, here's a little tip for you: < | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++ARNZEN LIVE\\ | ||
+ | I'll actually be performing live in Phoenix, Arizona with a fiction reading and more for the 2004 World Horror Convention April 8th-10th (Easter weekend). I really like to ham it up at these things. Raw Dog Screaming Press is planning a launch party that features 100 Jolts; the publisher of Freakcidents, | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++DEAD AGAIN\\ | ||
+ | I've acquired a batch of my chapbook -- Michael Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++FREAKCIDENTS\\ | ||
+ | No, it's not a new freakadelic denture adhesive paste in day-glo colors. As I've reported before, Freakcidents: | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++UNDERGROUND, | ||
+ | If you've never visited the small press catalogue at Project Pulp, you've missed out on a wonderful resource for fantasy, science-fiction, | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH: BONUS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | BONUS FREAKSHOW EDITION! | ||
+ | |||
+ | To celebrate the pending publication of my twisted poetry book, Freakcidents, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Andi Olsen' | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Cat Man\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Circus Folks\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Coney Island Side Show\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Freakshow in my Pocket\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Jake's Place\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Lizardman\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Monstrous.Com' | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Mystery Swamp\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Pickled Punks\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Ratt's Freeq Show\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Roadside Attractions\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Ripley' | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Ses Carny' | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Weekly World News\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Freak + Accidents = Freakcidents\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BOO COUPONS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | I keep telling you: It actually pays to scroll this far down. | ||
+ | |||
+ | NEW HELLNOTES OFFER\\ | ||
+ | Because you subscribe to The Goreletter, you can get a one year's subscription to the e-mail version of Hellnotes -- the Insider' | ||
+ | |||
+ | FREAK OUT WITH SHOCKLINES\\ | ||
+ | Couldn' | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | GET FICTIONWISE\\ | ||
+ | Fictionwise.com -- the web's best sci-fi and horror e-book seller -- maintains a special 15% off page for Goreletter subscribers, | ||
+ | |||
+ | GOOD GORELETS\\ | ||
+ | Fairwood Press is offering an exclusive discount to Goreletter subscribers. You can get a $1.50 off the standard edition of my shiny new chapbook, Gorelets: Unpleasant Poems -- or $3 off Gorelets with the purchase of any other title! To get the discount, browse around Fairwood' | ||
+ | |||
+ | DARK ANIMUS DEAL\\ | ||
+ | Mention "The Arnzen Special" | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | WRITE AGAIN\\ | ||
+ | Asmoday Enterprises has kindly extended their offer: Get 10% of the writer' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====COLOPHON==== | ||
+ | All material in The Goreletter is © 2004 Michael A. Arnzen, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to forward the entire contents as a whole, without alterations or excisions. Direct links to articles in the archives or the weblog are permitted and encouraged. For reprint permissions of individual pieces, please contact arnzen@gorelets.com. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Subscribe, unsubscribe, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Read The Goreletter online as a draft-in-progress, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our surrealist product endorsement: | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Suspense is Killing Me | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Death is like an arrow that is already in flight, and your life lasts only until it reaches you." | ||
+ | -- Georg Hermes (died 1831) | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | {{page> |