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--- goreletter:holiday_x [2013/11/24 10:45] – [ARNZEN NEWS] marnzen
+++ goreletter:holiday_x [2013/11/29 12:09] (current) – marnzen
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+THE GORELETTER:
+Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
+http://www.gorelets.com
++++ Vol 1.4, Dec. 06, 2002 +++
+**Holiday X**
+----
+====BLATHER====
+Blather. Wince. Repeat.
+Holiday X
+I love Xmas. Not the holiday, per se.
+The abbreviation. Any abbreviation that
+uses the letter X gets my nod of
+approval. I marvel at the Chinese
+Puzzle of the road sign that reads
+"Deer Xing." I muse over the strange
+aversion to E in words like "Xtra." I
+adore the arachnid-like contraction of
+"tickets" into "tix." And I still sublimely
+wonder, after all these years, what
+XXX really stands for, and how my
+loved ones can still sign a letter XXX
+and OOO with a straight face.
+From quixotic to quincunx, I love the
+enigmatic X. Especially when it's near
+a Q. It's nature's expectorant.
+But I'm no dupe: I won't stand for brand
+names that commercialize my letter X.
+I won't buy anyone Microsoft's "X-box"
+for Xmas, for Xample. And I won't rent
+that Vin Diesel action film called XXX,
+either, no matter how hard they try to
+convince me that "action" film is a
+euphemism for porn.
+The sporting world misunderstands the
+X. The XFL is a case in point. And until
+the dictionary includes the word
+"athletiX," can we please give Xtreme
+sports like Dental Floss Bungie
+Jumping a rest? For one thing, the
+letter X is not playing a game with us.
+It's serious business. For another, all
+these "Xtreme sports" were dreamed
+up by the editorial board of some
+snowboarding magazine…which I
+imagine to be comprised of Beavis,
+Spicoli, Wayne Campbell, and both the
+actors from Dude, Where's My Car?
+(with Keeanu Reeves acting as editor-
+in-chief, naturally). These guys couldn't
+even count to X in the Roman Numeral
+system.
+Maybe it's just the times we're living in.
+Generation X is selling eXtacy to
+Generation Y. I don't know what that
+means, but I think it's very strange, and
+I wish Gen Y would stick to their own
+letter and sniff Yte out instead. The
+world is chewing up way too many
+precious resources on glowstiX as it is.
+I might complain about the way our
+culture capitalizes on the letter X, but I
+do make Xceptions for worX of art. I
+haven't read much XJ Kennedy, but I'm
+sure he's a damned good poet. Spike
+Lee's "X" was a wonderful movie.
+"Heard It On The X" is a decent ZZ
+Top song (though they chose the
+wrong letter…ZZ means "sleep" to
+me!). The X-Men were great comiX.
+And The X-Files on FoX weren't so
+bad, either.
+Putting "The" in front of "X" is
+dangerous business. X is a scary
+letter. And the "The" makes everything
+a little scarier than it already is. It
+makes everything sound like The End.
+X is a good name for a baby. Or any
+fictional character. There are
+characters named M and a Q in the
+James Bond films, but why no X?
+(Don't tell me that Drax from
+Moonraker has already taken that
+letter… Drax is the name of a bug
+repellent, for crying out loud!) So if
+you're thinking about raising a baby,
+call it X and be sure to turn it into some
+sort of insane villain with a facial scar.
+Or a businessperson. Executive
+Officers are called XOs. I'd like to have
+a kid, name him or her X (depending,
+of course, the X chromosome) and
+then train it to become XO X. How do I
+accomplish this? I'm not sure, but I
+think a football play chart is involved.
+Which brings me back to Xmas. What
+if the X in Xmas were used in other
+words featuring Christ? I'm a Xian. I
+was blessed at my Xening. As a
+follower of Xianity, I worship X because
+X died for my sins. Now Jesus X
+almighty, will you pull over at that
+TeXaco and ask for directions?
+Or what might our shorthand for Christ
+mean if we put it in other X words?
+Would children still hammer so
+annoyingly if it were called a
+christylophone? Would adults still fear
+the radiation of a Christ-ray, or would
+they toss their lead vests assunder?
+Would Marvin Gaye still need
+sechristual healing? Perhaps.
+I suspect the X in Xmas doesn't mean
+"Christ" at all -- it probably signifies a
+cross, instead (as I'm sure the logo for
+any Christian death metal band will
+indicate). That's why illiterates sign
+contracts with them. I doubt Jesus
+staked that claim in Texas.
+You see, X has always been a sign of
+our laziness with the English language.
+Americans are good at taking
+shortcuts. Texas is a great place
+because it's so huge -- almost the size
+of Alaxka -- but it also sounds an awful
+lot like shorthand for something that
+was probably much much longer in the
+original Aztec (like Texasloucuhlan or
+something).
+The Aztecs were the most comfortable
+with the letter X. That's what makes
+them cool. The X -- and all that beating
+heart removal business. If it wasn't for
+that space between "Merry" and
+"Xmas" we might have some holiday
+that sounded like an Aztec city:
+"Merixmas." And we'd probably put a
+little more heart into it family get
+togethers.
+So Merry Xmas to you. And while you
+snort egg nog from a snifter, please
+figure out how we might take short cuts
+on the other holidays with long words
+in them. Valentine's Day? HapE Vals.
+Halloween? Just "trix." Thanksgiving?
+Good Eats. The rest? Etc.
+====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====
+Apropos Titles
+<del>watchingyou.com/poop.html</del>
+<del>thegoodnamesweretaken.com/alienchia/</del>
+http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/
+http://www.mycathatesyou.com/
+====SADISTIC STATISTICS====
+Number of edible insects: 1,492
+Number of calories in 100g of cricket:
+Protein in 100g Cricket: 12.9g
+Grams of protein in a dung beetle: 17.2
+Number of spiders you'll eat in your
+sleep in a lifetime: 8
+Amount of insects you inadvertently
+consume in a lifetime: a pound
+Amount of bacteria a housefly can
+carry on its hindfeet: 6 million
+Cost of ant tacos in Tlaxcoapan: 300
+Pesos
+Ratio of insects to humans on Earth:
+Million to One
+[Keep eating…]
+***
+Sources: eatbug.com 12/04/02;
+uselessfacts.com 07/05/00 &
+/07/02; amusingfacts.com 10/31/02;
+Food Insects NL, 07/96 & 92;
+dcothai.com, 12/04/02.
+====GORELETS====
+Home Depot of the Dead
+We keep resurrecting the clerk\\
+in the stained orange apron\\
+busy with patches and pins.\\
+He keeps offering to help us\\
+fix our bathtub and we tell him\\
+our plumbing is fine but his isn't\\
+before tossing the next power tool\\
+into the tub where he fries.\\
+It's electrical help we need.\\
+====SNIPPETS OF THE STRANGE====
+"This should create a suitable Zombie
+army capable of taking over the world,
+crushing your enemies, or serving fast
+food." -- halfbakery.com, 10/31/01
+"My friend, you think there is a self-
+esteem problem here? Well, Hell has
+the worst self-esteem problem."
+-- alt.religion.christian.baptist, 07/10/99
+"Goth as a statement of non-violence,
+individuality and rebellion against the
+'status quo' is very cool…But
+remember, the ultimate rebel was
+Jesus Christ. If you find yourself
+dwelling on the death aspect of Goth,
+then seek Christ. He'll respect your
+style..."
+-- GothShopping.com, 12/02
+====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====
+"Santa Stalkers"
+For your next movie night, rent:\\
+Tales from the Crypt (1972)\\
+Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)\\
+Santa Claws (1996)\\
+====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====
+"Slay Bells"
+Cross Jolly Old St. Nick with Duke
+Nukem or The Rock and you get the
+idea of this festively macho shooting
+game. Santa's going on a rampage!
+He'll sleigh you, har-har.
+<del>streams.com/holiday/</del>
+[Requires the "Shockwave" player -- a
+free add-on to your browser that will
+auto-install upon arrival. No worries.]
+====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS====
+"The men let the girls take a
+turn/pulverizing things with their
+mandibles,/spitting things out in
+salivated chunks called words/that are
+dull with use and digestion"
+This excerpt from Tara Raines' "Romp"
+appears in Yellow Bat Review #4 (Fall
+) and to me it signifies much of
+the aesthetic of the journal. YBR
+doesn't necessarily regurgitate ideas;
+instead, it reflects writers who are
+struggling to say (and do) something
+new with a language that's been
+handed down to them. It's one of the
+few magazines in the horror genre that
+I would call "literary journal" without
+blinking twice. At the same time, YBR
+is full of hard-hitting, in your face
+literature -- it's slam poetry with a meat
+mallet: painfully traumatic, but at times
+tender, as well
+Raines' "Romp" is but one of three
+works in the magazine which are part
+of a series called "VULGAR". Her
+writing impressed me very much with
+its unflinching examination of the
+grotesque and the abject while sending
+a strong feminist message. I was also
+struck by the two poems by Todd
+Moore in this issue, both of which are
+long strings of short (<4 syllable) lines
+that dramatize a traumatic incident
+where innocence is warped in a gross
+confrontation with a repugnant man.
+The prolific Lyn Lifshin contributes a
+touching piece about handicapped kids
+driving a car that also features an
+encounter with Otherness. These
+"mainstream" (if that's the right word)
+poets are caught in the same pages as
+poets who might be familiar to genre
+readers (like Christina Sng, Kevin
+Donihe, Patrick McKinnon, myself and
+Forrest Aguirre). And that's what I like
+best about this journal: it's about
+everything that's literary in horror.
+Editor Craig Sernotti knows what he's
+doing. And I like it.
+Like many of the journals I've chosen
+to review for The Goreletter, YBR is a
+small, nicely designed pocket-sized
+production (with a fancy kaleidoscopic
+line drawing on the glossy cover). It's
+only a dime a page, or $2.50 for 25
+pages ($8 for two-year subscription).
+The journal is available directly from
+Richard Geyer, Publisher, 1338 West
+Maumee, Idlewilde Manor #136,
+Adrian, MI 49221 or online at:
+<del>geocities.com/rgeyer_2000/</del>
+====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====
+A vampire has won a three-minute, "all
+you can fit in your basket" shopping
+spree at a 24-hour grocery store. A
+sneering clerk is holding a stopwatch
+by the counter, finger on the clicker.
+Ready? GO!
+Put the following title at the top of a
+blank piece of paper: "Monster
+Workshop". Now start writing. (Option
+for the blocked: turn "monster" into
+"monster's").
+The phone rings. Your protagonist
+answers it. In the handset, all (s)he
+hears is what sounds like the sawing of
+wood. (S)he hangs up, shaken. What's
+happening?
+====ARNZEN NEWS====
++ My mutant poetry collection,
+FREAKCIDENTS: A SURREALIST
+SIDESHOW is set for a January
+release. If you visit
+<del>darkvesperpublishing.com</del>
+you can get a sneak preview at GAK's
+fantastic cover for the book (as well as
+excerpts, reviews, etc). The number of
+the beast is: 0-9722957-5-5
+That's its ISBN number, of course…
+not Damien Thorn's tattoo.
++ Look for my story, "Tugging the
+Heartstrings," up now at Flashquake.
+It's the softer side of Arnzen. Or the
+coffin pillow, anyway:
+<del>flashquake.org</del>
++ "Choppers" -- my experiment with
+verbs and blades -- will be up soon at
+opus…one of the best-designed
+literary sites on the cyberplanet, in my
+opinion: http://www.42opus.com
++ I can't get enough FlashShot.
+They're doing a Xmas story a day until
+the 25th. Check them out. <del>Write
+"subscribe me" in a message to:
+genrenews@hotmail.com</del> If you do,
+you're bound to get a few teeny Arnzen
+stories sooner or later. So don't let the
+little ones answer your e-mail. You've
+been warned.
+====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====
++ The Goreletter has been
+recommended for the Bram Stoker
+Award (in Alternative Forms)! If you're
+an HWA member, I hope you'll help
+usher this humble e-zine all the way to
+the final ballot by also sending in your
+own recs ASAP.
++ To defray the costs of the website
+I've opened up the "Mutant Mug Shop."
+It's a place where you'll be able to get
+Arnzen's digital art, book covers, and
+other oddities on a coffee mug:
+<del>cafeshops.com/gorelets</del>
++ "Margaret's on the Floor" is the most
+recent poem hidden in the gory
+handheld on the Gorelets front page.
+It’s a rare sight these days: a poem
+that actually rhymes!
++ I made lots of updates to the website
+over the Thanksgiving holidays that
+might make it worth your time to go
+browsing. The former "hidden" e-poetry
+page is now a public "Writing &
+Demos" page, featuring a new original
+e-poem ("Ghosted") and a "sneak
+preview" section that has links to
+advanced cover art and book excerpts,
+among other things. Wax up and hit
+those gnarly cyberwaves already.
+Dude.
+====BOO COUPONS====
+It actually pays to scroll this far down.
+You've heard me praise my ebook
+distributor, FICTIONWISE.COM, time
+and again. There are links all over my
+site to it, and every issue I remind you
+of their WEEKLY 15% off special page
+for gorelets.com visitors:
+<del>fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/</del>
+But now I have an exclusive Xmas
+offer for readers of The Goreletter
+alone! Add Arnzen ebooks to your
+shopping cart, then apply the following
+coupon code at the bottom of the page:
+Arnzen12. This coupon will give you
+% off all Arnzen titles! It can only be
+used once per member and it's only
+good through December 31st. So pick
+up those "pricier" ones, like
+Paratabloids, for cheap cheap cheap!
+As you probably know, ebooks are
+readable on a computer screen, a PDA
+an even some cell phones. You don't
+need a dedicated reading device or
+anything strange like that. Just a
+sense of adventure and a chunk of
+technology.
+WILDSIDE PRESS -- publisher of my
+collection, Fluid Mosaic -- kindly
+continues to offer Goreletteers a one-
+time 10% discount coupon! Enter the
+coupon code ARNZEN at check out:
+http://www.wildsidepress.com
+Due to unforseen circumstances, I'll
+have to get you your exclusive
+SHOCKLINES.COM coupon next
+issue. I do recommend you visit them
+for holiday horror shopping, though.
+They're simply the best store for horror
+stuff anywhere.
+====COLOPHON====
+All material in The Goreletter is:
+© 2002 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
+otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
+Permission is granted to forward the
+entire contents as a whole, without
+alterations or excisions. For reprint
+permissions of individual pieces,
+please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.
+This newsletter is formatted in one
+skinny column to accommodate
+handheld computer users. If you own a
+PDA, try The Goreletter as a free
+Mazingo channel at:
+<del>mazingo.net/pc/subscribe.php?site_id=1552&src=111</del>
+Subscribe, unsubscribe, and shout out
+about The Goreletter at:
+http://www.gorelets.com
+========================
+Still reading? You must love this wordy
+thing! Want to help me out this
+holiday?
+) Forward this issue to your weirdest
+friend. I need new subscribers.
+) Visit the Mutant Mug Shop. I need
+to pay my domain provider.
+) Take this FAST two question poll:
+<del>gorelets.com/gorelets/goreletter/tugletpol1.html</del>
+Thanks for your continued support!
+====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====
+"The fear of death is the most
+unjustified of all fears, for there's no
+risk of accident for someone who's
+dead." -- Albert Einstein (died 1955)
+----
+{{page>gfoot&nodate&nouser}}