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+THE GORELETTER:
+Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
+http://www.gorelets.com
++++ Vol 1.9, Mar. 24, 2003 +++
+**Raw Meat**
+----
+====BLATHER====
+Blather. Wince. Repeat.
+Raw Meat
+I was in Ft. Lauderdale for a
+conference last weekend and my party
+went to a "Raw Bar" for dinner. No,
+that's not a euphemism for some kind
+of skin joint. A "raw bar" is a place
+where you can slurp oysters and other
+crustacean creepers and crawlers
+fresh out of their snotty little shells.
+Of course, I'd have none of that. I
+ordered a well cooked spiced shrimp
+dish and fries and made jokes about
+what they might schlep out of a "Raw
+Cthulhu Bar" instead (Eldritch and
+Chips? The Thing on the Placemat?
+Dunkin' Dunwich? The Tartar Out of
+Time?)
+Call me uncultured, but I don't do raw
+fish. I've had plenty of oysters in my
+day, but -- aside from the occasional
+shrimp cocktail or tuna melt -- I've
+pretty much given up on the cold
+delicacy. No gushy sushi for me.
+Why? I don't know. It's not so much the
+taste. I think it's the combination of
+texture and temperature. Cold veiny
+meats that crumble and flake off in
+your mouth. Globules of muscle that
+taste like squid eyes or blended brains.
+Clamato. It all kind of repulses me. If
+it's warm, boiled, slathered in sauce,
+mixed in soup, or fried up in some
+breading, I'll eat it. But not the raw
+stuff. I feel like I might as well be eating
+something I found under a rock,
+snooting it up like some kind of sloth.
+Raw is uncivilized. And worse. It's lazy.
+Only apathetic, uncreative cannibals
+don't bother with the giant crock-pot.
+Theoretically, nature intended food to
+be eaten raw. There are no indigenous
+barbecues. When cheetahs pounce on
+gazelles, they don't stop to strike up a
+campfire. They nuzzle their muzzles
+right into the meat, till the tip of their
+noses tap the bone. But even they
+don't like it cold. They don't wait for the
+body to chill. They don't drag it to the
+arctic ice. They dig right in, lapping up
+the residual body heat, chewing the
+muscles still hot from the chase,
+gulping the juices still runny and warm
+from the wound.
+Aside from the feverish friction heat of
+the hunt, the major oven in the wild is
+skin. Flesh keeps the meat at a
+constant temperature, much to the joy
+of carnivores everywhere. There are
+some meats we inherently prefer as a
+species -- chicken, beef, SPAM, etc.;
+other animals prefer insects and things
+that crawl cold in their carapaces. Our
+bodies are probably hardwired for
+some metaphysical menu of natural
+selection in this way.
+Raw shellfish is as cold blooded as the
+ocean it scampers and writhes in. Their
+innards are the color and consistency
+of squashed roaches. I'll have none of
+it.
+I also don't eat Steak Tartar and I
+usually don't order anything cooked
+"rare." The meat section at the
+supermarket frightens me with its tight
+cellophane and bloodied Styrofoam.
+But I do dig the deli and I get a kick out
+of cold cuts. They're similar to raw
+meats, true, but different enough to eat
+with little worry. Sandwich meats have
+been cooked at least once, so I know
+the parasites have been burned and
+boiled and salted away. I fear the
+hygiene of the butcher more than I do
+the cold meat itself. Thank god for the
+bread that I will squash them between,
+because otherwise I'd still get that
+frisson of the chilling texture and
+temperature of the raw. Anything dead
+that's colder than me is not to be
+trusted.
+I suppose raw food is actually more
+honest. Left alone, the consumption of
+raw bodies is the way the ecosystem
+works. The earth is one big raw bar,
+recycling our bodies in some grand
+design. But let the dirt enjoy it. My rot
+is my rebellion. I say, let's cook each
+other and shake our hot fists and
+barbecue forks at the cold moon in that
+nocturnal rebellion we call dinnertime.
+====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====
+Imagine that a factory line worker has
+fallen into a large processing machine
+of some kind. Describe the carnage
+from a co-worker's viewpoint.
+Invent an extreme body modification
+technique that puts tattooing, piercing,
+branding, and even cutting to shame.
+A creature emerges from the
+incinerator at a crematorium. Describe
+the physical appearance. Give it one
+supernatural power. And a motive.
+====GORELETS====
+Butterfly Blades
+two cleavers cavort side by side --\\
+a sparkling silver-winged butterfly\\
+before I pick it apart\\
+before I pin you down\\
+your wingspan open\\
+to its full flesh canopy\\
+I chopper the blades\\
+and the wings fly\\
+====MARTHA STEWART LINKING====
+To help launch the publication of my
+chapbook, Michael Arnzen's Dying
+(With No Apologies to Martha Stewart),
+here are numerous twisted sites which
+send up everyone's favorite domestic
+goddess, CEOhno and K-Mart shill:
+Martha Stewart Loathing
+<del>ibar.com/webmaven/martha/</del>
+Martha Stewart Loving
+http://www.salon.com/2002/06/27/mstewart/
+Martha Stewart Corporate Living
+<del>salon.com/politics/comics/2002/06/27/living/index.html</del>
+Martha Stewart's Dying (song by JB Mahugh)
+<del>bradmahugh.com/laymans/</del>
+Interactive Ways to Kill Martha
+<del>pugzine.com/kill.shtml</del>
+Martha's Prison Recipes
+<del>deansplanet.com/martha_1.html</del>
+Gothic Martha Stewart
+<del>toreadors.com/martha/</del>
+More Martha Parody Links
+<del>mrsmegabyte.com/links.html</del>
+MICHAEL ARNZEN'S DYING (With No
+Apologies to Martha Stewart) is now
+available from Tachyon Publications.
+This collector's item is a chapbook of
+twisted "household hints for serial
+killers" featuring a hilarious cover
+rendering of "Arnzen the Chef" by
+Kevin Farrell. Tachyon hasn't updated
+their ordering page yet, but I have a
+small handful of copies that I'm willing
+to sign and ship to subscribers to The
+Goreletter. If you're interested, you can
+PayPal me $5.95 + s/h by copying the
+following long URL into your web
+browser (or click on the link on the
+gorelets.com front page):
+[deleted]
+====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====
+"Walken Dancing"
+For your next movie night, rent:\\
+Roseland (1977)\\
+Pennies from Heaven (1981)\\
+Catch Me If You Can (2002)\\
+Intermission:\\
+Weapon of Choice (2000)\\
+====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====
+"The Evil Clown Generator"
+They're not ALL evil. But at Scott
+Huot's wonderfully fun web site, you
+can make a mutant clown that would
+put Pennywise to shame. It's as easy
+as rolling your mouse around a clown
+face -- if you dare -- to see what
+abominations you can come up with.
+http://www.scottsmind.com/evil_clown.html
+====ARNZEN NEWS====
++ "FREAKCIDENTS TRANSCENDS
+HORROR...What is so brilliant about
+this collection is how Arnzen uses
+literal outside descriptions of the freaks
+to describe the internal alienation and
+awkwardness of humans." -- Mike
+Purfield, B-Independent.com
+Feel the fiend. Touch the terror.
+Caress the carnage. Go to DarkVesper
+Publishing and order Freakcidents:
+<del>darkvesperpublishing.com</del>
++ If you skipped the "Martha Stewart
+Linking" department above, you
+missed news of my new chapbook,
+Michael Arnzen Dying. Tachyon
+Publications has copies, as does
+Borderland Books and, soon,
+Shocklines.
+http://www.tachyonpublications.com
+http://www.borderlands-books.com
+http://www.shocklines.com
++ I'll be the featured poet in the
+upcoming April edition of Sidereality
+magazine! The feature will include
+around ten new poems in a series
+called "Gentle Monsters" and an
+interview, alongside the art of Matt
+Schuster. This mag is doing great stuff!
+<del>sidereality.com</del>
++ Do YOU like raw meat? Then check
+out the just-released e-book of extreme
+cannibal stories, Of Flesh and Hunger.
+My short nightmare, "Second Helping"
+appears within. Other writers in the
+book include Daniel Keohane, Paul
+Tremblay, Kurt Newton, John Edward
+Lawson and Jeffrey Thomas.
+http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/
++ I'll be attending World Horror
+Convention in Kansas City in about 3
+weeks, from 4/17-20 [...and I should
+warn you now that the next issue of
+this newsletter might be delayed
+because of it]. Aside from sitting on
+various panels, I'll also be reading from
+my collection-in-progress, 100 Jolts,
+among other things. My Freakcidents
+publisher, DarkVesper, is also throwing
+a party, so you can count on me to be
+there. If you're going to WHC, too,
+don't be afraid to say hello and share
+with me your thoughts on raw shellfish:
+<del>whc2003.org/</del>
++ You can find my short-short, "In the
+Middle," somewhere near the middle of
+the new anthology, Sudden Stories,
+edited by Dinty Moore for Mammoth:
+http://www.mammothbooks.com
++ Look for "Amityville: Yet Another
+Sequel" -- my short memoir on growing
+up near the horror house -- in the next
+issue of Morbid Curiosity magazine.
+It'll be available at World Horror Con,
+where a reading session is being
+hosted by the magazine to include the
+likes of me, Alan Clark, Brian Keene,
+and other morbidly curious folk.
+http://www.charnel.com/automatism/morbid.html
++ Other April appearances of my flash
+fiction include two webzines -- "Limber"
+in Alien Skin & "Disgruntled" in The
+Murder Hole -- and two Australian
+releases -- "Mustachio Moon" in Dark
+Animus and "Dust to Dust" in Anti-SF.
+http://www.alienskinmag.com
+<del>themurderhole.com</del>
+http://www.darkanimus.com
+http://www.antisf.com
++ Along with Piers Anthony and Mike
+Resnick, I'll be judging the finalists in
+the first Draco Awards. What's a
+Draco? No, it's not a new James Bond
+villain, silly. It's a hardcover & e-book
+deal (now with a prize of $500!) from
+Double Dragon Publishing for the best
+book-length work entered in its genre:
+http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/
+====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====
+Drive Me Insane
+<del>drivemeinsane.com/</del>
+Amputate My Foot
+<del>cutoffmyfeet.com/</del>
+Torture Me Elmo
+<del>stuffemal.com/whatnot/whatnot.html</del>
+====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====
++ In case you missed it last time: I've
+launched a new, simple, irregular
+newsletter for fiction writers, journalists
+and editors looking for ways to make a
+living off their wits.
+<del>gorelets.com/cgi-bin/mojo/mojo.cgi</del>
+====BOO COUPONS====
+It actually pays to scroll this far down.
+Take 10% off the new hardcover book,
+Cemetery Poets, by visiting this hidden
+exclusive secret ordering page:
+<del>gorelets.com/demos/cempoesale.html</del>
+Flesh and Blood magazine offers YOU
+an exclusive discount! Subscribe for
+only $12 ($4 off!) or pay just $3 for one
+issue (1/2 off!). Make your check
+payable to Jack Fisher and put the
+word "GORELETTER" in the memo
+field. For contact information, see:
+<del>fleshandbloodpress.com</del>
+Shocklines.com is offering a huge
+savings on the collected nonfiction of
+recent ICFA guest of honor, Ramsey
+Campbell. Through May 1st,
+enter coupon code GOREPROB on
+checkout, and get a whopping $8.00
+off of "Ramsey Campbell, Probably":
+<del>yahoo.com/shocklines/ramcamprobed.html</del>
+Fictionwise.com's 15% off page for
+Goreleteers is updated weekly. This
+week features both classic horror
+literature (like Stoker's Dracula) and
+new texts like Jeff Strand's hilarious
+"Single White Psychopath Seeks
+Same":
+<del>fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/</del>
+Are you a writer? Try Write Again
+manuscript organizing software and
+get a 10% rebate when you register if
+you tell them that Arnzen's newsletter
+sent you! A very practical product.
+http://www.asmoday.com/
+Wildside Press -- publisher of my
+collection, Fluid Mosaic -- kindly
+continues to offer Goreletteers a one-
+time 10% discount coupon! Enter the
+coupon code ARNZEN at check out:
+http://www.wildsidepress.com/
+====DATA + ERRATA = DRATTA====
++ Last issue's "Blather" (called
+"Revising the English Major")
+generating some surprising responses!
+George Cusak pointed out that I
+shamefully got my Buck Rogers and
+Flash Gordon mixed up. (Thanks,
+George. I feel idiotic now. You'd think
+Queen would have taught me a thing
+or two!). Reader Anne Fotheringham
+sent me new "-glishes" to complete the
+set, since I'd skipped a few letters here
+and there (including my favorite,
+"Ginglish" -- "gum diseased speech").
++ Many of you received Goreletter 1.8
+without a proper subject line (it said
+"The Goreletter Message" instead of
+the true title: "The Goreletter 1.8:
+Gorelish"). Little inconsistencies like
+that bug the heck out of me so I had to
+add this correction for posterity.
+====COLOPHON====
+All material in The Goreletter is:
+(c) 2003 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
+otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
+Permission is granted to forward the
+entire contents as a whole, without
+alterations or excisions. For reprint
+permissions of individual pieces,
+please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.
+This newsletter is formatted in one
+skinny column to accommodate
+handheld computer users. If you own a
+PDA, try The Goreletter as a free
+Mazingo channel at:
+<del>mazingo.net/pc/subscribe.php?site_id=1552&src=111</del>
+Subscribe, unsubscribe, and shout out
+about The Goreletter at:
+http://www.gorelets.com
+Our surrealist product endorsement:
+http://thesurrealist.co.uk/priorart.cgi?ref=The+Goreletter
+====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====
+"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's
+the transition that's troublesome."
+-- Isaac Asimov (died 1992)
+----
+{{page>gfoot&nodate&nouser}}