goreletter:tender_cuts
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+ | THE GORELETTER: | ||
+ | Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++ Vol. 4.01, May 26, 2006 +++ | ||
+ | |||
+ | **Tender Cuts** | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BLATHER==== | ||
+ | Blather. Wince. Repeat. | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Alpottoir | ||
+ | |||
+ | Take a walk down the pet food aisle, the next time you're at the supermarket. Marvel at the rows of canned meat and bags of hearty pellets -- all those wasted by-products scraped from the slaughterhouse floor and the oily sludge trellises of the fishery, all that scrapple repackaged for consumption by animals who really have no choice in the matter. This is what we've ordained to feed our domesticated beasts. It's a wonder they don't come after us with...well, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Take a pensive moment under the fluorescent glare of the pet food aisle to contemplate the fact that you're surrounded by more dead meat than you'd find in some morgues. Try not to imagine all the chopping, carving, slicing, cubing, mashing, and grinding that went into each and every one of those perfectly stacked cans. The chow packets are as bulky as body bags. Don't be fooled: there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | If cats had taste they wouldn' | ||
+ | |||
+ | But I digress. Sometimes it's the dried foods that are the worst of all. They come in all shapes and sizes -- little formed fishies, tiny X's, teensy squares. More than "nine lives" are in them, their bodies stewed together in some giant vat to produce a brown muck that is subsequently formed and baked and bagged. All traces of life are removed and transformed into a magic " | ||
+ | |||
+ | The more you think about these things, the more repulsive they become. But we don't want to think. We want to feel good about spending less on our pets than we do on our own meals, and we want to feel loved for selecting them the fanciest of feasts. But what really creeps me out is the happy little packaging that leads us to believe we're somehow making the right choices. I'm talking about all those picture perfect cats and canines, from the snarky fatcat models like Morris to those dopey-but-lovable Alpo dogs. Like famous athletes on cereal boxes, these are celebrities in the animal kingdom, right? Wrong: Morris would be dead meat in an alley fight and Lassie would get so mauled by the pack she'd single-handedly redefine the meaning of dog biscuits. Even when the animal sponsors are cutely drawn, they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | No, there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | And did you ever notice that in every pet package, the animal is smiling? Smiling! Animals do NOT smile! They don't waive hello and say " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Now, I know there are a lot of " | ||
+ | |||
+ | So I guess we have little choice but to slop it all out in a pretty little dish and leave the stinking dead meat in the open air. It sits there in a puddle in the corner like a torn carcass in the Serengeti, drawing flies. Fluffy comes and goes as she pleases, lapping at the corpse cuttings, happy that her owners have provided her with every morbid morsel. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Mange! And I mean that both ways, carnivores. | ||
+ | |||
+ | And don't even get me started on the TV commercials. Where you see puppies hopping on laps like happy little children, licking their owner' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====CONTEST==== | ||
+ | WIN A DECK OF PLAY DEAD CARDS! | ||
+ | |||
+ | Let's start with the prize: the highly collectible, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Here's how to enter: E-mail me a creative interview question you'd like me answer on my new weblog ("talk to the dismembered hand") at amazon.com. One question only please. Be as straightforward or as crazy as you like. Include your name, website, and mailing address for prize delivery. If I choose to answer your question first, you win the deck! My judgment will be purely subjective, based on the question I'd most like to answer, but I won't play favorites. Moreover, any question sent to me may or may not appear in a future amazon blog entry or Goreletter, regardless of remuneration. So deal me your best. Entries must be received by June 10th. Although I'll be posting the rules of this contest on the web, you must be a subscriber to the e-mail edition of the Goreletter (free) to win. Send your question to gorelets@gorelets.com with the subject "Card Contest." | ||
+ | |||
+ | See elsewhere in this issue of The Goreletter for yet another groovy contest! | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Crazy Concept Bands | ||
+ | |||
+ | Hatebeak\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Electric Amish\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | Cookie Mongoloid\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | [Thanks to Bruce Siskawicz and Rick Fleck for suggestions.] | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====GORELETS: | ||
+ | |||
+ | People Repellent: A Flash Fiction | ||
+ | |||
+ | He found the bottle of People Repellent at a health food store. The package was right next to the all-natural bug sprays and fly papers and anti-mosquito incense. It cost $24, emblazoned with a stick figure logo that raised a scrawny arm in a "talk to the hand" gesture. He thought it would make a funny gift for his girlfriend, who always complained about the people in her office, so he blew what was left in his wallet for the novelty spray, along with his usual assortment of herbal extract supplements and offbeat teas. | ||
+ | |||
+ | At home, he started wrapping the gift. He chuckled at the logo on the bottle again, but then found himself questioning his choice. Maybe she would read between the lines and accuse him of calling her anti-social. Or maybe she'd assume that all the gifts in their relationship from that point forward would be juvenile pranks. She might conjure an image of fake doggie doo in her Christmas stocking or a squirt ring surprise during their marriage ceremony, and then quickly remove him from her speed dial. | ||
+ | |||
+ | He didn't want to " | ||
+ | |||
+ | It smelled fantastic. Like flowers fountaining inside of other flowers. But it was still musky enough to be called cologne. He decided to try it out. He sprayed People Repellent on his neck, then his arms, then his chest, and then inside the waistband of his jeans...spritzing copiously until he was sure he could keep inhaling it like a floral cloud descended from heaven, floating around his body. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Immediately a number of houseflies stirred inside his trashcan and zoomed up from the refuse to glom onto his flesh. More flying gnits zipped across his house and landed on his skin, fizzling in the still-wet sheen of People Repellent on the back of his neck and on his arms. Mosquitoes followed, whining around his ears before dipping their beaks into their newfound nirvana. | ||
+ | |||
+ | They itched, and he was surprised by just how many flying insects were living in his house, but he also understood what was happening with perfect clarity. He went outside and walked slowly down the sidewalk, heading towards his girlfriend' | ||
+ | |||
+ | He was a living coat of writhing wrigglers when he rang her doorbell, waiting to see what kind of person she'd turn out to be. Beneath a mitten of mites, he still clutched the spray bottle in a free hand, which he held behind his back like a lover' | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | If you like stories like this, you'd probably enjoy my flash fiction collection, 100 Jolts: Shockingly Short Stories | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Funny Brain Transplants | ||
+ | |||
+ | For your next movie night, rent:\\ | ||
+ | The Man with Two Brains (1983)\\ | ||
+ | MST2K: The Atomic Brain (1997/ aka Monstrosity, | ||
+ | Man with the Screaming Brain (2005)\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | It Wants You to Eat It | ||
+ | |||
+ | Most free movie-inspired online games are trite gimmicks, and Slither: Hunting Season -- based on James Gunn's 2006 campy horror film, Sliver -- is certainly one of them. But Hunting Season is astonishingly well-made for a simple 3rd person shooter that has you do little more than point and click to shoot at random on-coming targets while offbeat sound bytes from the film randomly play over the speakers. The game puts you, a desperate cop with a rifle, slightly off the center of the screen, generating a sense of helplessness as the camera peers straight down from above in an bird's eye view. The player' | ||
+ | |||
+ | feel " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Bring on the worms: < | ||
+ | |||
+ | This game requires Shockwave Player (installed automatically as a browser plug in at http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ARNZEN NEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Bullet points of bravura: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + My crazy mutant freakshow of a book, Freakcidents (Shocklines Press, 2005), is presently a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Poetry Collection! Congratulations to all the Bram Stoker Award Nominees, especially my fellow poet nominees: Gary Crawford, Dan Shields, and Charlee Jacob. Shocklines is offering a sweet 30% off deal (on TOP of a great buy one-get one free offer) that you really should take advantage of if you haven' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Exquisite Corpse -- a compilation of short films responding to my poetry -- is coming along swiftly. The website isn't up yet, but it is likely to appear at http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Look for the hilarious interview, " | ||
+ | |||
+ | + My upcoming humor-horror novelette, Licker, is nearly complete...and has had me cackling over my keyboard for months now! Look for information about this tale of oscular aberration on Novello Publishers' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Raw Dog Screaming -- publisher of my books, Play Dead and 100 Jolts -- has overhauled their website. It looks fantastic and they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + My contributor' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Check out my piece, " | ||
+ | |||
+ | + The academic panel on Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Speaking of academentia: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + The Goreletter is proudly sponsoring "Pod of Horror" | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Did you know I have a dismembered hand in a box? And that it's taking reader questions for my new weblog at amazon.com? See this issue' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====DICTIONSCARY==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | serpiginous | ||
+ | |||
+ | Today' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====INSTIGATION: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Reveal a horrifying disfigurement behind a woman' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Something is " | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Create a character who has no fingernails. What happened to them and what surprising skill can he perform without them? | ||
+ | |||
+ | I'm sad to report that my weekly " | ||
+ | |||
+ | And I will continue to publish Instigation in The Goreletter. I recommend skimming the back issues on the weblog, if you're a writer looking for a cattle prod to the brain for some inspiration. < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====CONTEST: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Ever since buying my own " | ||
+ | |||
+ | What follows is a list of actual spam subject lines...all but one of them is cribbed from an actual spam message I've received. Your mission is to guess which ONE phrase I made up (unbelievably, | ||
+ | |||
+ | 1st prize = Autographed paperback ARC (" | ||
+ | |||
+ | 2nd prize = Autographed copy of Mythic Delirium #14 (featuring Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Here's the spam subject lines. Only one of them is invented. Can you guess which one? | ||
+ | |||
+ | aggressive mannequin\\ | ||
+ | be decomposable\\ | ||
+ | cuddle grime\\ | ||
+ | diabolical meathead\\ | ||
+ | drive by grimace\\ | ||
+ | efficiency nose ring\\ | ||
+ | goth seniority\\ | ||
+ | grandmamma warlock\\ | ||
+ | medication madhouse\\ | ||
+ | open face surgery\\ | ||
+ | sanity immersion\\ | ||
+ | toucan retardation\\ | ||
+ | undeliverable baby\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | Good luck. See elsewhere in this issue of The Goreletter for yet another groovy contest! | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Bob the Angry Flower: Dog Killer | ||
+ | |||
+ | Meet "Bob the Angry Flower," | ||
+ | |||
+ | Dog Killer -- his latest collection of comics -- is rife with wry political commentary and subversive play, but it's also an appealing work of dark surrealism. In Bob's world, the sky hails eyeballs and the local furniture store sells chairs made of human skulls. Bob follows his shadow underground, | ||
+ | |||
+ | So who is Bob? Why is he angry? Why floral? Hard to say, but he's one of the more original characters you'll find in the genre. Bob is, well, a sunflower embodying the morphed personality of Sam Kinison and Denis Leary, hopped up on some strange mixture of Starbucks, psychedelics, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Bob often has a message, but I can imagine that he often puzzles readers who don't quite understand just how deep this defiance goes. Take the title strip, for example, "Dog Killer." | ||
+ | |||
+ | Most people, I imagine, might call this gratuitous violence. A juvenile thrill, akin to pulling the wings off a fly. But as most savvy readers realize, there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | In the back of the book, Notley gives excellent annotations which read like an insightful and witty " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Such thematic depth can be found in even the most silly or bizarre entries in the book -- all of them force you to look at something in a new light, from a skewed angle. There' | ||
+ | |||
+ | You gotta see it for yourself. Dog Killer is Stephen Notley' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Visit the publisher at: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Bob also has his very own website, chock full of sample strips, at: http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BOO COUPONS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | It actually pays to scroll this far down. | ||
+ | |||
+ | 20% OFF AT THE AVANT PUNK BOOK CLUB\\ | ||
+ | Get ten smackeroos off a subscription to the Avant Punk Book Club! If you're a fan of Carlton Mellick III and the whole " | ||
+ | |||
+ | THE SHOCKLINES SPECIAL\\ | ||
+ | This issue, Shocklines.com -- the web's great horror fiction bookstore -- is offering Goreletter subscribers a 50% savings on Stephen King's recent novel, The Colorado Kid. Enter coupon code COLORMINUS3 in your shopping cart, and get $3 off this noir entry in the Hard Case Crime lineup. Offer expires July 31st, 2006. | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | GET FICTIONWISE\\ | ||
+ | Fictionwise.com -- the web's best sci-fi and horror e-book seller -- maintains a special 15% off page for Goreletter subscribers, | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====COLOPHON==== | ||
+ | All material in The Goreletter is © 2006 Michael A. Arnzen, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to forward the entire contents of this newsletter as a whole, without alterations or excisions. Direct links to articles in the archives or the weblog are permitted and encouraged. For reprint permissions of individual pieces, please contact arnzen@gorelets.com. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Winner of the 2003 Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in Alternative Forms from the Horror Writers Association: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Subscribe, unsubscribe, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Read The Goreletter online as a draft-in-progress, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our surrealist product endorsement: | ||
+ | |||
+ | With apologies to latitude 53,41667, longitude 27,91667. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Help spread the strange. Forward this issue to your weirdest friend! | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Nurse Wears Black | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Time rushes towards us with its hospital tray of infinitely varied narcotics, even while it is preparing us for its inevitably fatal operation." | ||
+ | -- Tennessee Williams (died 1983) | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | {{page> |