goreletter:the_griddled_mermaid
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goreletter:the_griddled_mermaid [2013/11/25 17:33] – [ARNZEN NEWS] marnzen | goreletter:the_griddled_mermaid [2013/11/29 11:40] (current) – marnzen | ||
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+ | THE GORELETTER: | ||
+ | Arnzen' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | +++ Vol. 2 #8, May 22, 2004 +++ | ||
+ | |||
+ | **The Griddled Mermaid** | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BLATHER==== | ||
+ | Blather. Wince. Repeat. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Grilling the Mermaid | ||
+ | |||
+ | I love women, and I enjoy fish, but for some reason I hate mermaids. They' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Yet their legend endures. We still get slurred reports from drunken sailors who spot them in the seven seas. And little kiddies everywhere believe in Ariel, the so-called “Little Mermaid” (who isn’t little enough to step on, unfortunately). But get this straight: if mermaids existed, we'd see dead ones floating belly up in the sea once in awhile. And there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | But for a moment, let's pretend they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | First off: they' | ||
+ | |||
+ | And if they aren't male fantasies, then why are the top halves of mermaids always the human part? What if they were giant walking fish heads instead? Even the most committed of "leg men" might have difficulties with a breastless bass. Besides, the creatures really should be human on the bottom half. It makes more sense. The kick would make them better swimmers. Plus they'd actually be able to breathe, since the top is the half that has the gills. And, well, let’s just say I just think it would be more efficient for mating. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Or let's take it a step further: what if only the left half were fish and the right side human? What then, Popeye? | ||
+ | |||
+ | And even with the traditional organization of parts: Why is the lower half always a long flappy green whale’s tail? How about a half-woman, half-jellyfish, | ||
+ | |||
+ | And, like, what's the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Here's another question: If I only ate their fish tails, would it still be considered cannibalism? | ||
+ | |||
+ | Okay, so we’ve established that mermaids are weird male fantasies and even weirder sex objects. So if sex is involved, how do these chicks of the sea reproduce, anyway? No, I'm not asking because I want to spawn. I'm curious how the whole species began. It's probably the usual origin story: a human and a fish mated and -- voila -- Darryl Hannah was magically born. Fine. I don't want to imagine the details, but fine. But then how does the species perpetuate after the first mutant is born? What comes after the initial bestial sin? Would a merman and a mermaid have to meet to breed? Wouldn' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Now I'm sure there are some fantasy fans reading this who are thinking, "What about all the other merfolk, like mermen, you sexist pig?" To them I would simply say: hey, if even the mermaids would rather be with human beings that those of their own kind, then there' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Whatever their sexual orientation, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Yuck. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Give me chicken eggs instead any day. But don’t even get me started on the henmaids. Their eggs actually kick and squirm…and peck. | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====INSTIGATION: | ||
+ | |||
+ | + Write the final scene in a book about Armageddon. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + In painstakingly close detail, appealing to all five senses, describe a rotting human head. When you reach the end, reveal the context for its appearance -- one which sends the reader right back to the beginning. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + What is the filthiest place you avoid in your day-to-day life? A nasty corner of the basement? A restroom in your office building? The dump you drive past on your way to work? Choose the worst. Now imagine that something evil resides there. Write about its emergence. | ||
+ | |||
+ | |||
+ | Instigation is a WEEKLY department in Hellnotes newsletter: http:// | ||
+ | You can also buy collections of prompts for chump change at The Sickolodeon: | ||
+ | |||
+ | If you publish something instigated by this department, let me know at arnzen@gorelets.com and I'll mention it here! Or if you're bold (and willing to forfeit electronic rights), post your response to a prompt at the new Goreletter weblog by clicking on the word " | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Weird Tourism | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Palermo Mummies\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Sedlec Ossuary\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Torture Museum\\ | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Death Exhibition\\ | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Final Finals | ||
+ | |||
+ | For your next movie night, rent: \\ | ||
+ | Final Exam (1981)\\ | ||
+ | The Faculty (1998)\\ | ||
+ | Anatomy (2000)\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | As a writer, I always cringe when I hear other writers give the advice that a book should be " | ||
+ | |||
+ | And then I read an exception to the rule and I bite my tongue. | ||
+ | |||
+ | John Skipp' | ||
+ | |||
+ | Perhaps it's not fair to compare Skipp to Q. Although this he is definitely a writer channelling the culture of Hollywood and Los Angeles, Skipp' | ||
+ | |||
+ | In his introduction to the story, Skipp calls this a sort of antithesis to the "Big Fat Contemporary Novel" -- but the book as a whole is very thick indeed. Conscience is, in fact, just one novella in a collection of works that weighs in at 321 pages long. If I had to come up with one word for the book, I'd call it " | ||
+ | |||
+ | What I learned from reading this book was not only that cinematic writing can succeed, but that John Skipp has > | ||
+ | |||
+ | Friendly Firewalk Press -- Skipp' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====GORELETS: | ||
+ | |||
+ | The Thing About Tentacles | ||
+ | |||
+ | it isn't their ocean slime\\ | ||
+ | shimmering green in the sun,\\ | ||
+ | nor the long ropiness of their floppy\\ | ||
+ | tendrils that terrifies me. it isn' | ||
+ | the way they' | ||
+ | or cilia or scales. it's not their alien\\ | ||
+ | feelers, autonomously whipping wild.\\ | ||
+ | no. it's just the way they seem so\\ | ||
+ | limber, so strong, yet they have no\\ | ||
+ | bones for leverage\\ | ||
+ | except maybe my own.\\ | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Blackout | ||
+ | |||
+ | So you think you've got what it takes to survive the mindless zombie hoard? Think again. Your boom stick can only help you so much when you're cornered in a fenced in lot at night...in the middle of a blackout. Not easy! | ||
+ | |||
+ | Check out this mindless -- no, brainless -- high quality first person shooter from the publicity crew for the Dawn of the Dead remake (their full site also contains a password guesser and a virtual autopsy gizmo!): | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | related links: | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | [Blackout requires the Shockwave player, which is automatically installed if you don't already have it in your browser.] | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====ARNZEN NEWS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | + BRAM STOKER AWARDS\\ | ||
+ | As most of you reading this know, The Goreletter is a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award in Alternate Forms -- and that my poetry book, Gorelets: Unpleasant Poems, is also up in the Poetry category. I'm honored. I'll be attending the Horror Writer' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + LONG RIDGE WRITER' | ||
+ | I was the guest of the Long Ridge Writers Group, who hosted a two hour online chat with me on 5/13. You can read the transcript here, if you like. | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + SUMMER APPEARANCES\\ | ||
+ | June 24th, 8pm EST, Greensburg, PA: 100 Jolts Signing (along with Gary A. Braunbeck) at Greensburg Barnes and Noble | ||
+ | |||
+ | July 24-5, Pittsburgh, PA: Confluence 2004 SF Convention (reading TBA) | ||
+ | |||
+ | Aug 14, 5pm EST, Baltimore, MD: Horrorfind Weekend (reading with Gerard Houarner) | ||
+ | |||
+ | + 100 JOLTS\\ | ||
+ | 100 Jolts was released about a month ago with much fanfare. You can now get it at your favorite online bookseller or -- if it's not on the shelves -- by ordering it through your local brick and mortar store. If you need to special order it, the ISBN is: 0-9745031-2-6 I recommend shocklines.com, | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + GRAVE MARKINGS X\\ | ||
+ | The limited hardcover edition of my Stoker-winning first novel, Grave Markings: Tenth Anniversary Edition, was printed since the last issue of The Goreletter. I'm told that less than a dozen copies remain in stock at the publishers. The leatherbound edition is completely sold out. Order them today from Delirium Books before retailers price the book at a significant mark-up! Or, if you're in the mood for a special deal, check out Shocklines Bookstore' | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + E-BOOKS OUT\\ | ||
+ | 100 Jolts is now available as a " | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + GEORGE AWARDS\\ | ||
+ | Dark Animus has announced the winners in their first annual " | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + FREAKCIDENTS\\ | ||
+ | No, it's not a new freakadelic denture adhesive paste in day-glo colors. As I've reported before, Freakcidents: | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====DATA+ERRATA=DRATTA==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | + CONTEST WINNERS\\ | ||
+ | Last issue, I ran two, count 'em two, contests for subscribers and the winners have been chosen. The first was the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | The second contest was the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | + REVIEWATHON\\ | ||
+ | A wave of raving reviews have come in for 100 Jolts this month! Here's a handful of links to the best: | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "100 Jolts is going to garner a lot of attention for Arnzen when it comes to awards next year; it is, as I said in my cover blurb, a remarkable achievement, | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "Yes, predictably, | ||
+ | |||
+ | " | ||
+ | |||
+ | "100 JOLTS is an absolute top-notch collection, but the title is a misnomer: There may be 100 stories, but there are far more than 100 jolts packed within these pages. Arnzen manages to cram an amazing amount of creativity, horror, and dark humor into such short pieces. " | ||
+ | |||
+ | Hot off the shelves, 100 Jolts also hit the bestsellers list at Shocklines.com and Dark Delicacies bookstore! Check it out at: | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | By the way, if you like the cover art as much as I do, you might want to check out the home page of the artist, Matt Sesow, at: | ||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + WEBLOG EXCLUSIVES\\ | ||
+ | When I write the various columns in The Goreletter, I post early drafts online in the " | ||
+ | |||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + SICKOLODEON UPDATE\\ | ||
+ | I've added the next volume of the " | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====BOO COUPONS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | It actually pays to scroll this far down. | ||
+ | |||
+ | + NEW DELIRIUM BOOKS OFFER\\ | ||
+ | Get all in-stock regular limited edition hardcovers (regularly priced from $40-$50) for $30.00 each and get free shipping. Save $10.00 to $20.00 off every book! Paypal to: srstaley@deliriumbooks.com and place your order within the special instructions note accompanying payment. Also mention THE GORELETTER discount. This deal is also good for checks or money orders. Customer must include order with check or money order payable to Delirium Books. Again, mention THE GORELETTER discount. E-mail publisher Shane Staley at srstaley@deliriumbooks.com with any questions. | ||
+ | |||
+ | http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | + NEW FLESH & BLOOD DISCOUNT\\ | ||
+ | Get all available back issues of Flesh & Blood magazine for 30% off and any of the F&B book titles for 35% off. Free shipping and handling on all purchases. Please send payment made out to Jack Fisher with a note mentioning the " | ||
+ | < | ||
+ | |||
+ | + HELLNOTES BONANZA\\ | ||
+ | Because you subscribe to The Goreletter, you can get a one year's subscription to the e-mail version of Hellnotes -- the Insider' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + FICTIONWISE DISCOUNTS\\ | ||
+ | Fictionwise.com -- the web's best sci-fi and horror e-book seller -- maintains a special 15% off page for Goreletter subscribers, | ||
+ | |||
+ | + FAIRWOOD PRESS EXCLUSIVE\\ | ||
+ | Fairwood Press is offering an exclusive discount to Goreletter subscribers. You can get a $1.50 off the standard edition of my shiny new chapbook, Gorelets: Unpleasant Poems -- or $3 off Gorelets with the purchase of any other title! To get the discount, browse around Fairwood' | ||
+ | |||
+ | + ASMODAY (FOR WRITERS ONLY)\\ | ||
+ | Get 10% of the writer' | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====COLOPHON==== | ||
+ | All material in The Goreletter is © 2004 Michael A. Arnzen, unless otherwise noted. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to forward the entire contents as a whole, without alterations or excisions. Direct links to articles in the archives or the weblog are permitted and encouraged. For reprint permissions of individual pieces, please contact arnzen@gorelets.com. | ||
+ | |||
+ | Subscribe, unsubscribe, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Read The Goreletter online as a draft-in-progress, | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our Editorial Assistant: Don "of the Dead" Kinney http:// | ||
+ | |||
+ | Our surrealist product endorsement: | ||
+ | |||
+ | Forward this issue to your weirdest friend! | ||
+ | |||
+ | ====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS==== | ||
+ | |||
+ | Sleep on This | ||
+ | |||
+ | "To provoke dreams of terror in the slumber of prosperity has become the moral duty of literature." | ||
+ | -- Ernst Fischer (died 1972) | ||
+ | |||
+ | ---- | ||
+ | {{page> |