THE GORELETTER:
Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
http://www.gorelets.com
+++ Vol 1.9, Mar. 24, 2003 +++
**Raw Meat**
----
====BLATHER====
Blather. Wince. Repeat.
Raw Meat
I was in Ft. Lauderdale for a
conference last weekend and my party
went to a "Raw Bar" for dinner. No,
that's not a euphemism for some kind
of skin joint. A "raw bar" is a place
where you can slurp oysters and other
crustacean creepers and crawlers
fresh out of their snotty little shells.
Of course, I'd have none of that. I
ordered a well cooked spiced shrimp
dish and fries and made jokes about
what they might schlep out of a "Raw
Cthulhu Bar" instead (Eldritch and
Chips? The Thing on the Placemat?
Dunkin' Dunwich? The Tartar Out of
Time?)
Call me uncultured, but I don't do raw
fish. I've had plenty of oysters in my
day, but -- aside from the occasional
shrimp cocktail or tuna melt -- I've
pretty much given up on the cold
delicacy. No gushy sushi for me.
Why? I don't know. It's not so much the
taste. I think it's the combination of
texture and temperature. Cold veiny
meats that crumble and flake off in
your mouth. Globules of muscle that
taste like squid eyes or blended brains.
Clamato. It all kind of repulses me. If
it's warm, boiled, slathered in sauce,
mixed in soup, or fried up in some
breading, I'll eat it. But not the raw
stuff. I feel like I might as well be eating
something I found under a rock,
snooting it up like some kind of sloth.
Raw is uncivilized. And worse. It's lazy.
Only apathetic, uncreative cannibals
don't bother with the giant crock-pot.
Theoretically, nature intended food to
be eaten raw. There are no indigenous
barbecues. When cheetahs pounce on
gazelles, they don't stop to strike up a
campfire. They nuzzle their muzzles
right into the meat, till the tip of their
noses tap the bone. But even they
don't like it cold. They don't wait for the
body to chill. They don't drag it to the
arctic ice. They dig right in, lapping up
the residual body heat, chewing the
muscles still hot from the chase,
gulping the juices still runny and warm
from the wound.
Aside from the feverish friction heat of
the hunt, the major oven in the wild is
skin. Flesh keeps the meat at a
constant temperature, much to the joy
of carnivores everywhere. There are
some meats we inherently prefer as a
species -- chicken, beef, SPAM, etc.;
other animals prefer insects and things
that crawl cold in their carapaces. Our
bodies are probably hardwired for
some metaphysical menu of natural
selection in this way.
Raw shellfish is as cold blooded as the
ocean it scampers and writhes in. Their
innards are the color and consistency
of squashed roaches. I'll have none of
it.
I also don't eat Steak Tartar and I
usually don't order anything cooked
"rare." The meat section at the
supermarket frightens me with its tight
cellophane and bloodied Styrofoam.
But I do dig the deli and I get a kick out
of cold cuts. They're similar to raw
meats, true, but different enough to eat
with little worry. Sandwich meats have
been cooked at least once, so I know
the parasites have been burned and
boiled and salted away. I fear the
hygiene of the butcher more than I do
the cold meat itself. Thank god for the
bread that I will squash them between,
because otherwise I'd still get that
frisson of the chilling texture and
temperature of the raw. Anything dead
that's colder than me is not to be
trusted.
I suppose raw food is actually more
honest. Left alone, the consumption of
raw bodies is the way the ecosystem
works. The earth is one big raw bar,
recycling our bodies in some grand
design. But let the dirt enjoy it. My rot
is my rebellion. I say, let's cook each
other and shake our hot fists and
barbecue forks at the cold moon in that
nocturnal rebellion we call dinnertime.
====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====
Imagine that a factory line worker has
fallen into a large processing machine
of some kind. Describe the carnage
from a co-worker's viewpoint.
Invent an extreme body modification
technique that puts tattooing, piercing,
branding, and even cutting to shame.
A creature emerges from the
incinerator at a crematorium. Describe
the physical appearance. Give it one
supernatural power. And a motive.
====GORELETS====
Butterfly Blades
two cleavers cavort side by side --\\
a sparkling silver-winged butterfly\\
before I pick it apart\\
before I pin you down\\
your wingspan open\\
to its full flesh canopy\\
I chopper the blades\\
and the wings fly\\
====MARTHA STEWART LINKING====
To help launch the publication of my
chapbook, Michael Arnzen's Dying
(With No Apologies to Martha Stewart),
here are numerous twisted sites which
send up everyone's favorite domestic
goddess, CEOhno and K-Mart shill:
Martha Stewart Loathing
ibar.com/webmaven/martha/
Martha Stewart Loving
http://www.salon.com/2002/06/27/mstewart/
Martha Stewart Corporate Living
salon.com/politics/comics/2002/06/27/living/index.html
Martha Stewart's Dying (song by JB Mahugh)
bradmahugh.com/laymans/
Interactive Ways to Kill Martha
pugzine.com/kill.shtml
Martha's Prison Recipes
deansplanet.com/martha_1.html
Gothic Martha Stewart
toreadors.com/martha/
More Martha Parody Links
mrsmegabyte.com/links.html
MICHAEL ARNZEN'S DYING (With No
Apologies to Martha Stewart) is now
available from Tachyon Publications.
This collector's item is a chapbook of
twisted "household hints for serial
killers" featuring a hilarious cover
rendering of "Arnzen the Chef" by
Kevin Farrell. Tachyon hasn't updated
their ordering page yet, but I have a
small handful of copies that I'm willing
to sign and ship to subscribers to The
Goreletter. If you're interested, you can
PayPal me $5.95 + s/h by copying the
following long URL into your web
browser (or click on the link on the
gorelets.com front page):
[deleted]
====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====
"Walken Dancing"
For your next movie night, rent:\\
Roseland (1977)\\
Pennies from Heaven (1981)\\
Catch Me If You Can (2002)\\
Intermission:\\
Weapon of Choice (2000)\\
====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====
"The Evil Clown Generator"
They're not ALL evil. But at Scott
Huot's wonderfully fun web site, you
can make a mutant clown that would
put Pennywise to shame. It's as easy
as rolling your mouse around a clown
face -- if you dare -- to see what
abominations you can come up with.
http://www.scottsmind.com/evil_clown.html
====ARNZEN NEWS====
+ "FREAKCIDENTS TRANSCENDS
HORROR...What is so brilliant about
this collection is how Arnzen uses
literal outside descriptions of the freaks
to describe the internal alienation and
awkwardness of humans." -- Mike
Purfield, B-Independent.com
Feel the fiend. Touch the terror.
Caress the carnage. Go to DarkVesper
Publishing and order Freakcidents:
darkvesperpublishing.com
+ If you skipped the "Martha Stewart
Linking" department above, you
missed news of my new chapbook,
Michael Arnzen Dying. Tachyon
Publications has copies, as does
Borderland Books and, soon,
Shocklines.
http://www.tachyonpublications.com
http://www.borderlands-books.com
http://www.shocklines.com
+ I'll be the featured poet in the
upcoming April edition of Sidereality
magazine! The feature will include
around ten new poems in a series
called "Gentle Monsters" and an
interview, alongside the art of Matt
Schuster. This mag is doing great stuff!
sidereality.com
+ Do YOU like raw meat? Then check
out the just-released e-book of extreme
cannibal stories, Of Flesh and Hunger.
My short nightmare, "Second Helping"
appears within. Other writers in the
book include Daniel Keohane, Paul
Tremblay, Kurt Newton, John Edward
Lawson and Jeffrey Thomas.
http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/
+ I'll be attending World Horror
Convention in Kansas City in about 3
weeks, from 4/17-20 [...and I should
warn you now that the next issue of
this newsletter might be delayed
because of it]. Aside from sitting on
various panels, I'll also be reading from
my collection-in-progress, 100 Jolts,
among other things. My Freakcidents
publisher, DarkVesper, is also throwing
a party, so you can count on me to be
there. If you're going to WHC, too,
don't be afraid to say hello and share
with me your thoughts on raw shellfish:
whc2003.org/
+ You can find my short-short, "In the
Middle," somewhere near the middle of
the new anthology, Sudden Stories,
edited by Dinty Moore for Mammoth:
http://www.mammothbooks.com
+ Look for "Amityville: Yet Another
Sequel" -- my short memoir on growing
up near the horror house -- in the next
issue of Morbid Curiosity magazine.
It'll be available at World Horror Con,
where a reading session is being
hosted by the magazine to include the
likes of me, Alan Clark, Brian Keene,
and other morbidly curious folk.
http://www.charnel.com/automatism/morbid.html
+ Other April appearances of my flash
fiction include two webzines -- "Limber"
in Alien Skin & "Disgruntled" in The
Murder Hole -- and two Australian
releases -- "Mustachio Moon" in Dark
Animus and "Dust to Dust" in Anti-SF.
http://www.alienskinmag.com
themurderhole.com
http://www.darkanimus.com
http://www.antisf.com
+ Along with Piers Anthony and Mike
Resnick, I'll be judging the finalists in
the first Draco Awards. What's a
Draco? No, it's not a new James Bond
villain, silly. It's a hardcover & e-book
deal (now with a prize of $500!) from
Double Dragon Publishing for the best
book-length work entered in its genre:
http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/
====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====
Drive Me Insane
drivemeinsane.com/
Amputate My Foot
cutoffmyfeet.com/
Torture Me Elmo
stuffemal.com/whatnot/whatnot.html
====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====
+ In case you missed it last time: I've
launched a new, simple, irregular
newsletter for fiction writers, journalists
and editors looking for ways to make a
living off their wits.
gorelets.com/cgi-bin/mojo/mojo.cgi
====BOO COUPONS====
It actually pays to scroll this far down.
Take 10% off the new hardcover book,
Cemetery Poets, by visiting this hidden
exclusive secret ordering page:
gorelets.com/demos/cempoesale.html
Flesh and Blood magazine offers YOU
an exclusive discount! Subscribe for
only $12 ($4 off!) or pay just $3 for one
issue (1/2 off!). Make your check
payable to Jack Fisher and put the
word "GORELETTER" in the memo
field. For contact information, see:
fleshandbloodpress.com
Shocklines.com is offering a huge
savings on the collected nonfiction of
recent ICFA guest of honor, Ramsey
Campbell. Through May 1st,
enter coupon code GOREPROB on
checkout, and get a whopping $8.00
off of "Ramsey Campbell, Probably":
yahoo.com/shocklines/ramcamprobed.html
Fictionwise.com's 15% off page for
Goreleteers is updated weekly. This
week features both classic horror
literature (like Stoker's Dracula) and
new texts like Jeff Strand's hilarious
"Single White Psychopath Seeks
Same":
fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/
Are you a writer? Try Write Again
manuscript organizing software and
get a 10% rebate when you register if
you tell them that Arnzen's newsletter
sent you! A very practical product.
http://www.asmoday.com/
Wildside Press -- publisher of my
collection, Fluid Mosaic -- kindly
continues to offer Goreletteers a one-
time 10% discount coupon! Enter the
coupon code ARNZEN at check out:
http://www.wildsidepress.com/
====DATA + ERRATA = DRATTA====
+ Last issue's "Blather" (called
"Revising the English Major")
generating some surprising responses!
George Cusak pointed out that I
shamefully got my Buck Rogers and
Flash Gordon mixed up. (Thanks,
George. I feel idiotic now. You'd think
Queen would have taught me a thing
or two!). Reader Anne Fotheringham
sent me new "-glishes" to complete the
set, since I'd skipped a few letters here
and there (including my favorite,
"Ginglish" -- "gum diseased speech").
+ Many of you received Goreletter 1.8
without a proper subject line (it said
"The Goreletter Message" instead of
the true title: "The Goreletter 1.8:
Gorelish"). Little inconsistencies like
that bug the heck out of me so I had to
add this correction for posterity.
====COLOPHON====
All material in The Goreletter is:
(c) 2003 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to forward the
entire contents as a whole, without
alterations or excisions. For reprint
permissions of individual pieces,
please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.
This newsletter is formatted in one
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====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====
"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's
the transition that's troublesome."
-- Isaac Asimov (died 1992)
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