THE GORELETTER:
Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
http://www.gorelets.com
+++ Vol 1.5, Dec. 28, 2002 +++
**Skeletons! Skeletons! **
----
====BLATHER====
Blather. Wince. Repeat.
What's the Deal with Skeletons?
So I ask you, what's the deal with
skeletons? Why do filmmakers think
animated bones will scare us? Why do
these cartilaginous creatures appear
on hundreds of horror book covers?
Why do they dance on thousands of
horror websites? What is it about these
cold calcified creatures that creeps us
out?
The chattering of teeth? The rattling of
ribs? The ghostly white grimace? The
strange animation of little bits and
pieces that really shouldn't be moving
that way?
The answer is: nothing, really. They're
not very scary at all. Silly, often.
Artful, sometimes. Uncannily
disturbing, at best. But never really
frightening to the core.
Maybe at one time they were. There
was a time when the wonder of
animated bits and pieces was enough
to fill us with dread. But today we're too
hardened by realism: we know that all
it takes is a small hammer to shatter
those brittle bones to pieces. And
besides, what's holding all those little
phalanges and kneecaps together?
Sinew rots. Muscles atrophy and
decay. Sure, some evil spirit can
possess those old bones, but why not
put all that spiritual energy into
something much more substantial, like
a boulder or a building, to exact
revenge from beyond? Why return
them to the old bodies, far more worse
for wear? It doesn't make sense.
I do see how they could be scary in
theory, of course. They are, obviously,
the animated dead. Like zombies, they
move when they shouldn't and they
seem to have an unnatural will all their
own. But despite that uncanny sense
of weirdness they conjure, they're not
really threatening. And even worse:
skeletons all look the same.
They're too familiar. Like bad
Halloween costumes -- once you've
seen one, you've seen them all. And
no matter how clever you get, there
never clever enough to make me run
screaming. Ray Harryhausen made his
career on animating bones for Sinbad
movies.that was the high point of
skeleton cinematography: in the 1958.
The digital age just doesn't get it right.
Nonetheless, they all look the same to
me. Weak.
But maybe, just maybe, that lack of
distinction is what keeps them
appealing. They all look the same.
They all act the same. They're like
robots. Mindless masses. Ah, now I'm
on to something: they scare us
because they rob us of identity AND
remind us of how easily we can be
mistaken for being nothing more than
our bones. Zombies are living dead,
but unlike skeletons they typically keep
some semblance of their original
distinguishing feature -- even if we're
talking about facial features that are
sloughing right off the bone before our
very eyes. The meat makes 'em scary.
Skeletons are different. It's their very
structure that scares us. It's the secret
structure we all share. And it's inside of
us. We like to think we control the
bones. But that's like saying the lever
controls the switch -- there's a give and
take at work -- a mechanism of parts
working together in a systemic way.
That's why skeletons freak us out
sometimes. Because they remind us
that our brain isn't always the boss of
the body factory.
It's the brain alone that feels fear.
And the brain depends on the skull for
protection.
In fact, the skull is the only part of our
bodies most like exoskeletons. That's
why the skull is the freakiest part of the
skeleton -- it's a primitive, insectile
form of defense. A skull that bears
eyes is especially creepy for this
reason. They're like human bug
creatures. The stalks of sensory
organs, peering out through the
keyholes of the bone prison -- a poor
soul pleading from within its carapace.
If they'd just make the skeletons turn
on their owners, rather than wielding a
sword and turning on tomb raiders...then
we'd have a scary movie. Because,
frankly, movie makers have been raiding
the tomb of stock monsters like bone
people for far too long.
So future directors take note: Let's see
more meat on them bones. Or better
yet -- get it right, and stop putting them
back together again in the obvious
humanoid structure. Experiment with
those shapes already. Be creative. The
legbone is not necessarily connected
to the anklebone, dammit. Stop it with
the stereotypical skeletons. Stop
looking like everyone else.
====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====
Crazy Xmas Gift Returns
Hoodlum Helmets
http://hoodlum-welding.com/hoods.htm
Butt Ball
wonderfullywacky.com/buttball.htm
Kangar-eeewww Pouches
http://www.australiagift.com/scrotum_shop/scrotum.htm
====SADISTIC STATISTICS====
Number of cosmetic surgery
procedures in the US in 2001: 8.5
million
Increase in cosmetic surgery since
1992: 198% (tripled!)
Most popular surgical procedure:
rhinoplasty (aka nose reshaping)
Number of reported nose jobs in 2001:
370,968
Amount of time a nose job takes: 90
mins
Amount of time it takes the nose to
heal after rhinoplasty: 1 year
%age of rhinoplasty operations that
have to be re-performed: 10-15%
# of different Michael Jackson nose
jobs tracked on anomalies-
unlimited.com: 13
Maximum length of a rhino's horn:
4 feet
Number of cilia on olfactory cells in the
nose: 400-1200 million
%age of dust particles that the nose
actually filters during inhalation: 70%
Farthest recorded "spaghetti ejection"
from the human nostril: 7.5"
%age of people who pick their noses
2-5 times daily: 22.3%
***
Sources: mediresource.sympatico.ca
12/02; plasticsurgery.org 4/02;
intelihealth.com 3/02; purpletights.com
12/02; anomalies-unlimited.com11/02;
post-gazette.com 10/01; manso online,
spr 00; revisionrhinoplasty.net 12/02;
univ.trieste.it/~brain 12/02;
guinessrecords.com, 12/02; sdzoo.com
12/02.
====GORELETS====
Here Comes the Sun
The crust of frozen eye thaws gelid\\
in the morning dawn. Butter white rays\\
stab swords of light through blood cells\\
suspended in the pupils like fancy\\
marbles. Beams cast sudden heat onto\\
the grey mushroom cilia stiff inside. Yet\\
this light at the end tunnels in too late;\\
the bed of melting snow washes away\\
murder stains that have swaddled\\
this cracked head cavity all evening.\\
====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====
"Creepy Robin Williams, 2K2"
For your next movie night, rent:\\
Death to Smoochy (2002)\\
Insomnia (2002)\\
One Hour Photo (2002)\\
====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====
Virtual Crime Sketch Artist
The jig is up. Armed with this virtual
sketch artist pad by Russia's Max
Ishchenko, they'll finger you for certain.
Especially with that funky 'stache
you're sportin'.
[site deleted]
[Requires patience as well as
"Macromedia Flash"]
====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS====
The Psycho-Hunter's Casebook could
have been yet another collection of
horror poems about psycho killers, but
in this book Kurt Newton (author of
Dark Demons) craftily employs a
framing device that renders it truly
original.
As its title suggests, Psycho-Hunter is
a collection of case studies: we're
given a frame narrative that suggests
that the collection is a "detective's
scrapbook" of writing by four serial
killers who not only got away with
murder, but also wrote poetry about it
before, during, and after committing
their atrocities. (One poem is
"spattered with blood, still fresh from
that morning's kill" for example). Each
of the four studies attests to their
unique modus operandi, quirky
personalities, and perverse
obsessions. The detective who collects
these strange artifacts, John Murdock,
is "on the hunt" for these killers, both
psychologically and physically. He
collects their writing and writes about it.
He's gathered it in various ways -- one
killer sends him poetry directly in the
mail, as a taunt or threat; another
actually published some in the small
press. These conceits might sound like
a stretch, and they are, but it's a fun
construct to read and consider. The
book readily invites interpretation. And
the insights it offers more than make
up for the book's artificiality.
The brutality of Newton's poetry is
beyond the usual fare. This is definitely
a post-Blair Witch Project, post-Henry
collection -- a dark docudrama in gory
verse. The book's depravity is both its
strength and its weakness, because
some readers will be revolted. But
Newton's approach generates the
same disturbing feeling one gets when
reading, say, an actual autopsy
manual, so it will definitely make
followers of real world killers quite
happy.
This 47-page, saddle-stapled
chapbook has a heavy glossed, three-
color cover (art by the esteemed Keith
Minnion) and it is altogether
professionally produced. This book is
ambitiously bright for such a dark
dreamer. I highly recommended it to
those with strong stomachs and a taste
for the grotesque (which usually goes
hand in hand).
Comes in three editions: unsigned
chapbook ($5); signed/numbered
($13); and hardcover ($40) from
shocklines.com, amazon.com, or the
publisher, darkvesperpublishing.com
[A different version of this review
appeared in Hellnotes, 23 Aug 02 (visit
hellnotes.com to subscribe). I reprint it
here because of TWO special news
items regarding this book that appear
in the coupon and news departments
below. Be sure to read them for
exclusive offers.]
====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====
You're in an unusual maternity ward.
Describe a monstrous delivery. Or,
alternatively, the birth of a monster. Go
for the gross out. If you get stuck, jump
to an alternate viewpoint (Mother?
Doctor? Baby? Other? Try second
person?)
The title of your piece is "Death by
Chocolate." Go.
Bees typically sting in defense. They
also die when they pull their stingers --
along with the rest of their guts -- out
as they flee. Invent a strange creature
whose "sting" (or other method of
attack) is similarly suicidal.
====ARNZEN NEWS====
+ This is big news. My mutant poetry
collection, Freakcidents: A Surrealist
Sideshow, is coming out this January
in both collectible hardcover and
signed trade editions. You can always
pre-order it at my favorite bookseller,
shocklines.com. But -- NEWS FLASH
-- if you order both Freakcidents and
The Psycho-Hunter's Casebook direct
from my publisher you can get your
hands on "Freaks and Psychos" -- a
limited edition mini-chapbook of new
and original material by both myself
and Kurt Newton! We dipped into each
other's worlds and generated some
strange hybrids. It's a very rare treat.
(This offer will apply to anyone who
has already ordered Newton's limited
edition in the past, too, so don't let that
stop you from buying that now -- see
"boo coupons" below). For developing
details, stay tuned to the publisher's
website:
darkvesperpublishing.com
+ My short-short, "Choppers," is finally
out in the ambitious lit zine, 42opus.
Check it out and marvel at the layout:
http://www.42opus.com
+ Awhile back, I reported that my
Halloween story, "The Boblin," was in
an anthology that died before seeing
print. Well, I'm happy to report that I've
subsequently placed that tale in
another book: Scary! Holiday Tales to
Make you Scream, edited by Paul
Melniczek (Double-Dragon Publishing,
forthcoming Sept 2003).
+ I've learned that editor John Lawson
has placed his exciting "extreme
cannibal" anthology, Of Flesh and
Hunger, with Double-Dragon
Publishing for 2003 release, as well.
My flash nightmare functions as the
book's epilogue:
fleshandhunger.com/
+ Because three's a charm, I'll remind
you of the THIRD Double Dragon title
that I'll be associated with -- it's called
Cemetery Poets: Grave Offerings and
it'll feature a chapbook's worth of work
by almost every contributor.and there
are a lot of them! If you can't wait, visit
fellow contributor Megan Powell's
website, which includes more info and
offers a (discounted) $35 pre-order
page: meganpowell.net/buy/
Double-Dragon Publishing gets my
vote for new publisher of the year. And
they're only getting started. You just
wait and see what they have in store!
+ Speaking of "skeletons": If you're in
the market for a solid horror magazine,
take a gander at the recently released
Bare Bone #3. Yes, my short poem,
"Wet Tissue," is in there. but that's
just a teensy part of a great double-
sized magazine. Just look at the
heavy-duty line-up you get for a mere
$6.95 -- it's as satisfying as any book-
length anthology out today.
yahoo.com/shocklines/barbonmag3br.html
====DATA AND ERRATA====
I want to acknowledge David Sandner
for this month's subject line ("Skeletons!")
and to thank Bruce Boston for the link
to http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com
which I suspect all my readers will love.
Last issue's Blather column, "Holiday
X," got a lot of feedback from
subscribers. Mike Stamm wrote just to
call me an "X-phile." And John
Spurlock reminded me of Edgar Allan
Poe's hilarious editorial nightmare, "X-
ing the Paragrab." Poet Deborah
Kolodji also turned me on to "Four
Xonnets" -- sonnets where each line
ends with the letter X! You can read
her fantastic Xonnet and others at:
vallance22.tripod.com/sonnettopoesiavol2no1/id3.html
Did you enjoy the "Slay Bells" game
mentioned in the last issue's "Online
Gizmo" dept? Can you handle more
Xmas with an attitude? Then you might
want to give 'Slay Bells 2: Seasons
Beatings' a whirl, too. Santa's not
gonna take it anymore, dammit!
streams.com/holiday2k/
In the last issue, I invited readers to
take a 2-question feedback poll. The
results were very strongly in favor of
keeping both the newsletter and the
website intact. In response to the
question, "What is your least favorite
department in the newsletter?" 20% of
you said "Our Odd Triple Feature"
while 80% said "None -- I love them all!
Don't drop any!" And in response to the
question whether the website uses too
much "flash" animation, the majority
(60%) said they felt it was "just right."
Only one respondent felt it was too
much; the rest said "I have no clue,
Arnzen!" I was heartened by this
feedback -- thanks to everyone who
participated. Given this response, I'll
not tamper with things. But I will
continue to cycle departments in and
out of the newsletter just to reduce the
length (which keeps getting longer and
longer thanks to stuff like this very
paragraph). So this time around, for
example, there are no "snippets of the
strange." But like corpses in a toxic
dump, they'll be back later, for sure.
And I've got new columns in utero, too.
====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====
+ I've updated the "links" page to
include a new section of "minimalist"
oriented websites. If you like short-
short-shorts as much as I do -- or if
you've just got a short attention span --
then you might want to browse it.
+ A twisted seasonal piece, "Hot
Buttered Chum," is the latest poem
hidden in the animated handheld at
gorelets.com. Click on the skull-faced
button to dunk your ladle in it.
+ There are some really neat pictures
of readers with Arnzen poems on
gorelets' "retrospective" page. And
some fun wallpaper you can have, too.
+ The Goreletter keeps receiving
recommendations for the Bram Stoker
Award (in Alternative Forms)! If you're
an HWA member, I hope you'll help
usher this humble e-zine all the way to
the final ballot by also sending in your
own recs to compiler@horror.org. If
you're not in the Horror Writers
Association, visit horror.org for more
information.
+ To help me pay for the website
please visit the "Mutant Mug Shop." It's
a place where you'll be able to get
oddities on a coffee mug:
cafeshops.com/gorelets
====BOO COUPONS====
It actually pays to scroll this far down.
SHOCKLINES.COM offers Goreletter
subscribers this exclusive new year's
coupon: GORELETDEMON. Enter this
freaky phrase in the promotion code
box during check out to get $10 off the
signed/limited hardcover edition of Kurt
Newton's fantastic collection, Dark
Demons. I sang the praises of Psycho-
Hunter, and this book is equally
original. It's worth every penny. How
do I know this book is so fantastic? I
wrote the introduction! And I signed it,
too, along with Kurt and artist Duncan
Long. This offer is only good until
1/14/03, so think about it asap.
store.yahoo.com/shocklines/
Writers take note! You can get 10% off
the unique submission organizer,
WRITE AGAIN! Try it out and if you
decide to register this great software,
let them know that Arnzen's newsletter
sent you and they'll refund you 10%!
I've been using this program for about
a year now and I can vouch for it -- WA
is one of the best databases for writers
available. If you're a writer submitting
without a "system" yet, this is a must-
download. Includes a project
scheduler, graphs, and a financial
database. A very useful product.
http://www.asmoday.com/
FICTIONWISE.COM's coupon for
Arnzen ebooks -- Arnzen12 -- expires
on Dec 31! Get 20% off while you still
can.and perhaps as much as 40%,
given their current holiday discount!
Otherwise, don't forget to browse their
15% off special page for gorelets.com
visitors every week:
fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/
WILDSIDE PRESS -- publisher of my
collection, Fluid Mosaic -- kindly
continues to offer Goreletteers a one-
time 10% discount coupon! Enter the
coupon code ARNZEN at check out:
http://www.wildsidepress.com/
====COLOPHON====
All material in The Goreletter is:
c 2002 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to forward the
entire contents as a whole, without
alterations or excisions. For reprint
permissions of individual pieces,
please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.
This newsletter is formatted in one
skinny column to accommodate
handheld computer users. If you own a
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mazingo.net/pc/subscribe.php?site_id=1552&src=111
Subscribe, unsubscribe, and shout out
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Hello 2003!
====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====
"The words of a dead man are
modified in the guts of the living."
-- W. H. Auden (died 1973)
----
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