THE GORELETTER:
Arnzen's Weird Newsletter
http://www.gorelets.com
+++ Vol 1 #10, May 2, 2003 +++
**Zombunnies**
----
====BLATHER====
Blather. Wince. Repeat.
The Energizer Zombie
It keeps mouldering and mouldering....
Don't laugh: the Energizer Bunny is
very creepy. An uncanny automaton, it
doesn't just "keep going and going" -- it
keeps rolling and rolling on legs that
don't really move, banging and
banging on a bass drum like a Viking
ship slavedriver from hell, leering and
leering through shades that hide any
semblance of eyes as its head cocks
from side to side, scanning for souls. It
couldn't stop if it wanted to. It's keeps
coming and coming to get you.
That stupid electronic animal is
programmed to outlive us.
Once Energizer decided to have the
same rabbit appearing in various
contexts, doing the same thing across
different commercial spots at different
times of the year, the advertisers
started something that they couldn't
stop. Truth in advertising be damned,
it's implied that that bunny has been
relying on the same batteries to beat
its drum for over thirteen years.
Thirteen. Scary number. Not just
because of the numerology. Think
about it. There are people in this world
for whom the Energizer Bunny has
been "going and going" their whole
lives. They're all teens, true, but this is
a TV generation that's coming of age.
They have never known an Energizer
battery without a bunny icon. And
before they even had a pulse, the hare
banged its drum like something
supernatural. And as they grew up on
Saturday morning cartoons and MTV,
the bunny followed them from
commercial spot to commercial spot. It
even pops up today in the strangest of
places -- lately, it bubbles up in a liquid
grey plastic cocoon that would have
suffocated any real animal -- pounding
away for the Energizer brand's slick
new E2 batteries.
E2 as in "Energizer II -- Return of the
Living Dead Bunny Clones."
It's pink as cotton candy. Warm and
fuzzy, like soft slippers. Don't be
fooled. Every time it pauses, twirls its
drumstick, and turns to face you, you
better run.
Think about it: the Energizer Bunny is
a killing machine. What other lesson do
we learn from its hellish rampage as
the other toys spill over and fall silent,
their batteries drained to death? In the
battery-operated universe, the Bunny
doesn't just outlast others -- it kills 'em
all. Each Energizer ad is part of a
continuing story that reminds us of
survival of the fittest. And this god of
the gizmos has eternal life. The bunny
will never, ever die.
I suspect the Viagra people and
impotence pharmaceutical researchers
wish they would have thought of it first.
After all, bunnies reproduce like crazy,
too. Hugh Hefner used this subtle
allusion to generate much profit and
his "bunny" logo is as familiar to 13
year old boys as Energizer's.
Do you have the bunny inside?
Ahem. I'm not going there.
Okay. So the Energizer Bunny is really
some sort of zombie pimp daddy on a
rampage. And we still think its cute and
loveable, even though it wears flip-
flops and Ray Bans like something out
of a Huey Lewis video.
Hmm...maybe it's not the bunny that
scares me. Maybe it's the way the 80's
never die.
They keep mouldering and
mouldering....
--
[Osama, avert your eyes:
energizer.com/bunny/balloonfacts.asp ]
====INSTIGATION: TWISTED PROMPTS FOR SICKO WRITERS====
Transform a musical instrument into a
device for torture.
A surgeon has secreted something
inside a patient during a routine
operation. The time has come to
remove it. At any price.
Frustrate a suicide.
====GORELETS====
Blood Polka
spots on my sleeves\\
like a fashion statement\\
when I peel off my shirt\\
the blood still seeps\\
plasma divots the skin\\
in bubbling puddles of flesh\\
I wear a splatter of scars\\
which deepen like slow bullets\\
and not even our death\\
can wipe the stains clean\\
====DATA + ERRATA = DRATTA====
A lot of news this time around
regarding my "Instigation" prompts
from The Goreletter.
Brian Rosenberger's poem, "Pests" --
inspired by one of the prompts from
Goreletter 1.8 -- has been published in
October Moon:
octobermoon.org/omspr03/omp01spr03.asp
If you publish a piece based on my
prompts, let me know and I'll report the
news here! (Yes, that includes you,
too, John Edward Lawson -- who
mentioned to me at World Horror
Convention that he's written enough
stories based on the prompts to
publish a chapbook! Way to go! He
also said working title for the collection
is "Michael Arnzen Programmed Me
To Kill"! (Very cool, J-Law. Now put
away that pen and await your next
order...))
Last issue's "Raw Meat" was weird
enough to generate the lead "quotable
quote" of the latest issue of Hellnotes
newsletter. The pithy quote? "Anything
dead that's colder than me is not to be
trusted."
Around the same time, I entered into
negotiations with editor Judi Rohrig to
syndicate my prompts in their fine
publication. So if you aren't getting
enough "Instigation" for your prurient
imagination already, subscribe to
Hellnotes and get 'em WEEKLY. You'll
get much more out of it than just story
stimulants. This self-billed "insider's
guide to the horror field" is among the
best newsletters in the horror trade for
writers and other dark imagineers and I
think it's worth every penny of the
subscription:
http://www.hellnotes.com
I was pleasantly surprised to discover
that this newsletter was reviewed in the
latest issue of my favorite Australian
magazine of "pulp horror," Dark
Animus. The reviewer, James Wardlaw
-- author of the excellent "sequel" to
Stoker's book, DRACUL: The Vampire
Returns -- celebrated the "cleverness
and creativity" of The Goreletter and
then singled out the "Instigation"
department in a remarkably apt way:
"It might be the catharsis you need; a
little Ex-Lax for the mind." Hah!
(Hmm...what starts with "C" and
rhymes with "instigation"?)
http://www.darkanimus.com
I've learned that there's even a flash
fiction writer's group online at Zoetrope
Studios (called "The Horror Library")
that's using the occasional prompt from
The Goreletter in a horror "write-off."
Cool, R.J.!
http://www.zoetrope.com
All this creative response warms the
debacles of my heart.
====OUR ODD TRIPLE FEATURE====
"Killers with Cameras"
For your next movie night, rent:\\
Peeping Tom (1960)\\
Natural Born Killers (1994)\\
15 Minutes (2001)\\
====NOT DEAD YET: PRINT REVIEWS====
A twisted poetry version of Stephen
King's "Needful Things" is how I think
of Mark McLaughlin's latest chapbook,
Professor LaGungo's Exotic Artifacts &
Assorted Mystic Collectibles.
Throughout the book, we're lead
through a tour of 22 hilarious imaginary
objects in a curio shoppe you'd never
find when antiquing on this plane of
existence. In the introductory poem,
"Welcome, Stranger," we're led into
something like hell, where "all sorts of
terrors and delights [are] in
stock...everything is extraordinary.
Even the front door is haunted." Right
off the bat, McLaughlin's got us
trapped inside his fantasy world.
And the objects are lots of fun. This
book is pure McLaughlin: light verse
working dark material to generate both
belly laughs and repulsion. Although
the poetry borders on reshaped prose
at many turns, the irrepressible
McLaughlin's creativity is truly in
overdrive in this collection. Just look at
some of the titles, and you know you're
in for a clever treat. In LaGungo's
shoppe, you'll encounter everything
from "Dental Floss Used by a Vampire"
to "A Slice of Bacon from Queenie,
The Dancing Pig" to "The Obligatory
Haunted Mirror" and "The Deli Killer's
Deadly Thingamabob." There's even
"Half a Jar of Hitler's Hair Slickum."
Just the titles are enough to bring a
chuckle to your gullet if you share
McLaughlin's gallows humor.
Like all curiosities, the fascinating
histories and mysterious origins these
objects harbor beckon us to spend
more time with them. The poems are
all framed as sales pitches, of sorts, by
the imaginary narrator, LaGungo, who
gives us the backstory of each strange
artifact. The text pulls the reader into
the absurdity of their histories through
a very real and familiar situation:
shopping. Yet the brilliance of this book
is that it moves beyond the mundane
bathos of commodity fetishism and
instead plays off the inherent draw of
the fantastic. Like all fantasy,
LaGungo's mission is to get us to
believe in the unbelievable, and marvel
in wonder at the possibilities made
material right before our very eyes.
Unlike what you might find at the mall,
here every object tells a compelling
story -- it doesn't matter if he's lying or
dreaming or mad.
At the same time, McLaughlin's goal is
also to prod you in the belly to tickle
you with a claw while you peer over the
rim of the fantastic. This book isn't as
disturbing or horrific as some of his
other books (such as The Gossamer
Eye, which is on the final ballot for the
Bram Stoker Award in poetry as I type
this), but it is an excellent collection of
comic dark fantasy by one the genre's
most unique humorists.
Take, for example, "The Skull of
Eugene Weiderhorn." In this poem,
LaGungo displays the skull of "the
most evil man who ever lived" who
"drank the dreaded guuku juice, which
is even more wicked than absinthe --
and what's more, he drank it straight
from the guuku carton." Brilliant!
Professor LaGungo's Exotic Artifacts &
Assorted Mystic Collectibles is a
quality chapbook with a nice cover
image of the mad Professor himself by
Chris Whitlow. A bargain at $5 plus
postage from Flesh and Blood Press.
fleshandbloodpress.com
[Search for a coupon somewhere in
this issue of The Goreletter!]
====SNIPPETS OF THE STRANGE====
Actual Phrases Overheard or Spoken
during World Horror Convention 2003
"Intestinal spycams!"\\
"Ebola Beer -- yum."\\
"Conversational afterbirth."\\
"I'm a were-virgin!"\\
"We all have swinging, kinetic things."\\
"Shock-a-bra!"\\
"Chaucer Chowder."\\
"Who's editing the Spam Anthology?"\\
"Look! It's The Illustrated Ham!"\\
"I need a caffeine catheter."\\
"Rolf this!"\\
"You know the look -- Gothscara?"\\
"Psycho Sestinas."\\
"You can put anyone's ear on a dead
body; who'd ever notice?"
====ONLINE GIZMO OF THE MONTH====
"The Mysterious Kabala"
In the category of cutely bizarre, this
online "Magic 8 Ball" is based on an
actual freaky game from 1967 that
combines the Eye of Zohar with a
Ouija board and the Tarot deck.
Steven Intermill's flash adaptation of
Kabala is fantastic; but he forgets to
mention one minor instruction. You
must chant "Pax, Sax, Sarax, Hola,
Noa, Nostra..." before you play! Visit
the Museum of Talking Boards for this
game's history and more Linda Blair
action, Cap'n Howdy!
stevenintermill.com/mysterious.html
http://www.museumoftalkingboards.com/kabala.html
[Requires the Macromedia Flash 5
Player -- it will auto-install if you don't
have it already (you probably do)].
====ARNZEN NEWS====
+ I learned that I was officially
promoted to the rank of "Associate
Professor" at Seton Hill University on
April 15, 2003. (Tax day. Ah, the brutal
irony...)
+ "FREAKCIDENTS TRANSCENDS HORROR...
What is so brilliant about
this collection is how Arnzen uses
literal outside descriptions of the freaks
to describe the internal alienation and
awkwardness of humans." -- Mike
Purfield, B-Independent.com
Feel the fiend. Touch the terror.
Caress the carnage. Go to DarkVesper
Publishing and order Freakcidents:
darkvesperpublishing.com
+ Michael Arnzen's Dying (With No
Apologies to Martha Stewart) is now
available from Tachyon Publications.
Visit Borderlands Books in San
Francisco and pick it up along with all
your favorite horror books. Shocklines
will be listing it online soon, too:
http://www.tachyonpublications.com
+ Have you petted the "Gentle
Monsters"?
sidereality.com
+ My microfiction collection, 100
JOLTS, is complete and publishers are
currently considering it. Two new
pieces from that book will be available
soon in the UK's cool horror website
The Eternal Night:
http://www.eternalnight.co.uk/
+ A memoir about my relationship with
the Amityville horror house appears in
the slick print magazine, Morbid
Curiosity this month (issue #7):
http://www.charnel.com/automatism/
+ If you couldn't tell from my review in
this issue, Mark McLaughlin is among
the craftiest, wackiest, smartest,
writers working in the horror genre.
And his newest, greatest collection --
Once Upon a Slime -- is one of the
must-read books of 2003. If you've got
a sense of morbid humor, buy it.
"Slime" features a collaboration
between Mark & I (called "Throb")
along with Mark's "gross-out contest"
winning stories from the annual World
Horror Convention, and many classics
of dark humor and Eldritch dread. With
titles like "Dracula has Risen from the
Sofa" you know you can't go wrong.
catalystpress.net/slime.htm
+ I'm proud to have a disgusting
contribution to a book which hasn't
been placed yet, but is bound to find a
good publisher: SICK: An Anthology of
Illness. It's packed with quality authors
and the preview I saw at World Horror
Convention knocked my socks off. I
wouldn't mention it if I didn't think it has
a bright (if phlegmatic) future. You can
preview this grotesque collection online
and salivate until it lands a publisher:
sickbook.com
+ Along with Piers Anthony and Mike
Resnick, I'll be judging the finalists in
the first Draco Awards. What's a
Draco? No, it's not a sink cleaner, silly.
It's a hardcover & e-book deal (now
with a prize of $500!) from Double
Dragon Publishing for the best book-
length work entered in its genre:
http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com/
====WEIRD SITES OF THE MONTH====
Vampire Cats
http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/realvampireking/index36.html
Cat in a Bottle
http://www.bonsaikitten.com
Cyborgatto
http://www.newgrounds.com/cat/
====NEW AT GORELETS.COM====
It's been my policy to not "trade links"
with writers, but I've decided to launch
a special list of "subscriber's pages" as
a way of saying thanks for reading. So
if you'd like a link to your personal
website listed on gorelets.com, send
me an e-mail request with your URL
and I'll add you! (And naturally, I'd
appreciate a link back to gorelets.com).
====BOO COUPONS====
It actually pays to scroll this far down.
Shocklines.com is offering a HUGE
savings on Ray Bradbury's collectable
book, A Chapbook for Burnt-Out
Priests, Rabbis and Ministers. Through
June 1st, enter coupon code
COREBRAD and get another $12.50
off the hardcover edition, which brings
the price down to only $10 each!
store.yahoo.net/shocklines/chapforburpr1.html
You already know that Flesh and Blood
magazine is one of the best horror has
to offer. But have you seen their
chapbooks? Because you're reading
this, you have the opportunity to take
30% off any chapbook F&B Press
publishes -- including McLaughlin's
Legungo, reviewed in this issue! -- by
mentioning "Goreletter discount" in the
memo field of your check or in your
online order via PayPal. Thirty percent!
Visit:
fleshandbloodpress.com
Take 10% off the new hardcover book,
Cemetery Poets, by visiting this hidden
exclusive ordering page on my site:
gorelets.com/demos/cempoesale.html
Fictionwise.com's 15% off page for
Goreleteers is updated weekly. This
week features the ebook, OF FLESH
AND HUNGER -- an "extreme
cannibal" anthology edited by that man
I programmed to kill, John Edward
Lawson. I'm in this one, too, with a
short-short about, hmm, well, let's call
it "spoon feeding."
fictionwise.com/fwa/4004/
Are you a writer? Try Write Again
manuscript organizing software and
get a 10% rebate when you register if
you tell them that Arnzen's newsletter
sent you! A very practical product.
http://www.asmoday.com/
====COLOPHON====
All material in The Goreletter is:
c 2003 Michael A. Arnzen, unless
otherwise noted. All rights reserved.
Permission is granted to forward the
entire contents as a whole, without
alterations or excisions. For reprint
permissions of individual pieces,
please contact arnzen@gorelets.com.
This newsletter is formatted in one
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====PITHY MORBID THOUGHTS====
"'A poor soul burdened with a corpse,'
Epictetus calls you."
-- Marcus Aurelius (died 180 AD)
----
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