We ought to have temporary tattoos that are nonetheless permanent. Why must the art be stagnant? Especially if it’s bad? We want art that we can revise and change, yet something that still sends the message that we’re so committed to our art that we’re willing to be surgically altered. If they can make adjustable pacemakers and prescription birth control patches these days, they ought to be able to make movable tattoos. Here’s my idea: embed little colored metal pellets under the surface of the skin, so we can use a magnetic device to move them around whenever we want to. Like that children’s art toy, I’d call it “Flesh-a-Sketch.” Don’t like that evil Ace of Spades? No need for that blow torch. Just shake your arm. It’s gone.
I think there’s much more we can do with the human hand. Particularly the fingers. I think our fingertips should be replaced with jacks that allow us to screw in and swap all sorts of prosthetic devices, right from birth. As a writer, naturally, I’d love it if I could press a secret button on my palm and click a ballpoint right out from the tip of my finger. Got a kid who likes to suck on his thumb? Give him “fingernips” instead. And we call all be really wild Freddy Kreugers with insertable blades. We could embed cell phones into our palms and literally “talk to the hand.” Set it on vibrate. Imagine the possibilities!
You’ve heard of stomach stapling before, right? Same idea. Only temporary. Sometimes I like feeling so full I have to open my belt.
When a car gets impacted, airbags inflate and save lives. Why can’t we embed a similar technology in our flesh? Someone punches you — boom — your shirt explodes and a large pillow of air absorbs the blow. Slip on the ice — bam — a large buttock inflates and you land so safely you could go tubing down a mountain on your own rear end. We could all play suicide with trains and tall buildings. What a thrill! This invention would make the automobile airbag useless, so it would even save us millions.
People get all sorts of things implanted into their mouths — braces, bridges, fillings. Why should the teeth have all the fun? Let’s accessorize our mouths with extra tongues. Clone ’em, take them out of cadavers, make ’em out of vinyl…it’s all good. Maybe get one pierced that wouldn’t always get in the way; or mod them both to play mouth maracas. We could even invent a new language when we’re not too busy French kissing. Wait, that wouldn’t be “French” kissing anymore. But you get the idea. I’m sure you’ve even got some ideas of your own now.