Posted inArnzen News

More on “Please Publish My New Adult Coloring Book: GTFU”

Today my short parody, "Please Publish My Adult Coloring Book: Grow the F*ck Up!" is featured on McSweeney's Internet Tendency.  I'm perversely proud of this, for some reason.  Mostly, I think, because it validates my thinking that this silly piece actually contains a great idea for a book! However, I am also sensitive to the notion that adult coloring books have therapeutic value. When my dad had a stroke, this was something I bought him to help retrain motor memory and create even though debilitated.  I also think coloring is fun, and it's kind of cool when groups of people…
April 25, 2016Posted inArnzen News
Posted inGorelets: Unpleasant Poems

Zombifurcation

At the Nightsun writing conference in Frostburg, MD, last weekend, I had the privilege of performing a reading of fiction and poetry. Here's an audio clip from the event, along with the text for one of the pieces I read -- the Seussian horror poem, "Zombifurcation" -- which appears in the latest issue of The Goreletter. ZOMBIFURCATION A zombie crawled right, a zombie crawled left -- both shared the singular body I'd cleft. I'd chopped down his chest, and cut off his scream -- but still he came at me, splitting his seam. He pulled himself toward me in reanimation:…
July 30, 2015Posted inGorelets: Unpleasant Poems
Posted inBlather

Top Ten Ways to Make Santa’s Naughty List

10. Playing "CSI: Dreamhouse" with your (or your sister's) Barbie dolls. 9. Telling Mommy she's "pretty" to her face and then adding the words "poor at parenting" as you walk out of the room. 8. Presuming that when you're "grounded" you're free to play with electrical outlets to your heart's content. 7. Texting while driving your Big Wheel on the freeway. 6. Skipping biology class so you can experiment directly on animals at the pet store without supervision. 5. Actually punching Hawaiians to get your hands on their branded juice box. 4. Festooning your bedroom with ropes of snot rather…
December 24, 2013Posted inBlather
Posted inDictionscary

Asphixiation

Try saying "asphyxiation" five times fast. You will know what it means from experience. But if you survive, read on... You probably know the term refers to "choking to death" and that it is the fancy pants medical name for strangulation. But did you know the term derives from the Greek, meaning a- ("without") + sphyxis (a "heartbeat")? If you thought it had something to do with the Egyptian term "sphinx" (which I think means "without + a nose), then you were wrong. (To "asphynxiate" actually means to turn into a giant cat with wings and tell riddles till your…
December 24, 2013Posted inDictionscary
Posted inSaturday Morning Cartoons

Infant Intolerable

Here's a Saturday morning cartoon that's both endearing and surprisingly brutal: Infant Intolerable by animator Peter J. Casey. I do not endorse child abuse, and neither should you, but...these are blobby organ monsters, right? On the demo real of his work (posted on his blog), Casey shares that this animation was an experiment to see how much emotion he could get out of very simple characters...and the simple story was inspired by a plane ride. Any parent or air traveller can probably empathize...
February 2, 2013Posted inSaturday Morning Cartoons